the first two weeks

i've finally found a day off from ministry and sightseeing to update everyone on my side of this experience! haha. God's been doing more in my heart and life right now than you could possibly imagine. it takes all of me to sit here and explain everything out because i'm pretty sure no one wants to read a novel, but...if you are interested and have an hour or so (hah!)...here it is:

the days have seriously flown by since we've been here - so much to do and see. all of us girls except for those who are permanently living and ministering here live in a wayyyy cute three story old house in the woodhaven area of queens. our street (and neighborhood) is far from typical new york, but hey, i'm not complaining. it's cute, safe, quiet and spacious. we have a park a block to our left and a main strip of small stores and restaurants a block to our right. wonderful.
i have met so many wonderful people who are so on fire - actively seeking God's will for their life and following Him wherever His Spirit leads them. it is such an amazing difference. growing up in church and coming from such a fundamental background, it has taken me a long time to understand how to listen and respond to God's Spirit moving within you. so many of those i am ministering with came here completely on their own. they found urban impact either on the internet or by chance, feeling that God was leading them to new york but not knowing exactly where or how to serve. this whole concept is so foreign to me. you mean, God just called you one day, you searched out different ministries, He revealed the one He wanted you to serve with, and you just like...went?! ridiculous. or not really.
i became so envious of those stories. then i realized, God had worked the same in my life; i had just fought it the whole way here and not embraced it. when jason (our leader at BSU) started speaking about this trip to new york city, something inside of me was seriously having a hay day. hah! i felt this yearning, a pull to go. i was intrigued by this trip that was outside of kcbt, for longer than i would ever agree to, doing things i would never be comfortable/enjoy doing (so i thought). but as soon all that desire to go came, so did my flesh. i am totally not going. not. going. and here i am. through my talks with page (one of the interns at BSU who basically changed my life forever...love her) i came to understand how to identify and follow God's calling in my life. if God's Spirit gives you a desire to go somewhere for His glory and His work, don't fight it or even try to rationalize it...embrace it and go for it! please tell me it was a hard concept for you to learn, too. haha!
right at the beginning of my frehsman year of college i began to pray ever day for God to do absolutely whatever had to be done so that He could fulfill His perfect will in my life. i wanted to find out why i specifically was put on this earth - what He wants me to do and where. i'll do anything, He just has to guide me. ever since then, God has been completely tearing my life apart and stripping away all the things that have been solid in my life - friendships, relationships, my church, where i live, what i'm involved in, even random things about how i "knew" my future would go and whatnot. it would take forever to fill anyone in on that, but just know...God's been compeltely rennovating me (hah!).
as i arrived here from kc, i knew that God was going to speak to me mightily on this trip. i knew He was going to give me a significant amount of wisdom for growth and was going to start directing my heart in the direction He desired it to be for the rest of my life ministry-wise. however, this process (even only two weeks in) has been the craziest thing i have ever endured.
before i left, i had tons of opposition from the enemy. i'm not even kidding. it was unreal. i have never followed the Spirit's leading like this before so i never had a significant amount of spiritual warfare in my life until just now. it's some crazy stuff. thankfully, as i prayed for eyes to see what God was doing in my life as He was doing it, God faithfully and mercifully allowed me to identify each trial as it was happening (even if i did...every time...have trouble doing the right thing and overcoming it). once i got to nyc i figured, yesss! all those trials and distractions are gone and it will be smooth sailing to figuring everything out. hah! it is a fight for any alone time with God over here, let me tell ya, and that began taking its toll on me pretty much immediately. each time i had to cut it shorter, i had twice as crappy of a day. we are on the go all day long and if we aren't ministering or traveling, we're sight-seeing. all my same distractions followed me here! in general, i don't spend as much alone time with God as i know i should (and even focusing on and preparing for ministry as i should) because i am so intrigued by "doing fun things" and "not missing out on the event of the year" (which i know would totally happen the one time i decided against going and doing something fun with the group). i was so frustrated. however, i kept begging God to keep hold of my heart and to help me sort through all of this confusion and frustration. as i had some talks with chris, my newfound fashion twin brooke, and the amazing lisa, God began to slowly bring His plan back in to view...
like i have been saying, we do pretty much non-stop ministry here. one of our main activities is teaching ESL to international imigrants. we teach two nights a week at the african friendship center that we opened up in brooklyn and each of us girls take turns teaching two mornings a week at the arabic friendship center. recently, we have begun scouting out personal students in the jackson heights (south asian) area of queens. to tell you the truth, i had little desire to teach ESL. i was mainly wanting to work with children, sing and do some administrative work. however, that was my plan. and yeah. you think i'd have recognized the pattern by now. shame on me for thinking i could cling to the familiar and comfortable when in every area of my life God's been steadily taking all that away and replacing it with humility and vulnerability. don't get me wrong, i get to do all of the above things i was wanting, but in very small amounts. they're my gifts after all, God wouldn't just not use them, but that's not the point of this trip. so anyways, ESL. i teach next to brooke, future elementary school teacher, and megan, speach pathology major, and i come away wondering why i'm even here in new york. everyone seems to have their place, and i am just random. i'm not an artist, so i can't do any of the artwork they need done around here. i'm not going to be a teacher, so ESL and the kids' summer camp (to get them caught up to their grade level by the end of summer) are not going to be my fortes either. i'm not an unpassive leader (or a guy), so the whole leading a youth group thing isn't going to be my gig; i'm not a degree-holding music major, so i'm certainly not going to be helping lead any praise. however, slowly but surely, Christ revealed to me my purpose.

in God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. selah.
God hath spoken once; twice have i heard this; that power belongeth unto God. also unto thee, o Lord, belongeth mercy: for thou renderest to every man according to his work.

as i began pouring my heart out to God in prayer, searching for my purpose and clinging on to, well...at least as long as i keep serving You You'll bless me - God began to turn my thinking around. what if your purpose is to simply do what you are told to do regardless of how good or bad you are at it, regardless of your lack of heart for it?

God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty;
and base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are:
that no flesh should glory in his presence.
but of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption:
that, according as it is written, he that glorieth, let him glory in the Lord.

what if i want you in a place where no one can say the work you do is of yourself? it's of Me and only Me. i finally realized, this trip is going to be about me giving the things i've never tried - or am the worst at - my best for Christ, because in doing that, people will see Him so much better in me than if i was doing something i was good at and desired to do. Christ has begun to give me an understanding of true selfless ministry. it's so easy to get caught up in yourself, after all. like it was put to us one year at high school camp: selfishness is the root to all sin. it is. every time we fall it's because we are focusing inwardly and not outwardly.
so to begin to wrap this subject up, we have been teaching ESL like nobody's business, and what do you know, God's given me his heart. He's began a passion in me to the point of tears for these women i've been teaching. this is the first year that's happened to me, by the way. i have never had a passion for lost people to the point of tears until God gave me a heart for my sorority girls. i love them with more than just my heart. I love them with the passion of Christ's heart, as i am beginning to love these women i'm teaching ESL. these internationals are just as precious to God's heart as any other person and they often get overlooked. we all want to be missionaries either to white suburbia in another state, to those of our own heratige somewhere or to some foreign country out there, but so many of us forget about the internationals who are right on our doorstep. that's the purpose of urban impact: to show Christ to imigrants by building relationships with them and ministering to them right in their own community. it's wonderful.
aside from ESL, a number of us are heavily involved with the youth in brooklyn. we just had our last day of after-school kids club yesterday. honestly, these kids are handfuls and terrors, all of them, but i love them to death. i was so afraid of kid's club because it's not just having fun or babysitting, it's 1) teaching them in the "school teacher" way and 2) giving them biblical principles to apply to their lives. it's not a christian ministry by any means, but we incorporate Christ because these kids so desperately need hope and love, true love, in their lives. i am so not good at strategically adding Christ in to secular things and even worse at being the disciplinarian, but Christ has grown me past those incompetencies as well. it's all about fear for me. everything i work past boils down to a trust issue. i let my fear that i lack the ability or talent and my fear of what other people think govern my life in all aspects (even when it comes to salsa dancing. haha!). however, slowly but surely, Christ is stripping that from me (and fear is one thing i certainly don't mind losing at all. hah!). but anyways...Christ has, even in these childrens' cases, given me a passion and love that overcomes absolutely anything. i was not kidding when i said these kids are truely handfuls and terrors, but that all melts away in Christ's eyes. i love that He is slowly paralleling my heart with His. i've prayed for about a year now for it, so it's exciting to see it overtaking my life.
besides ESL and kid stuff, we've done a handful of other smaller things. brett, a guy from my college; laura, a permanent missionary; and i have joined together with larry's son and wife to form a praise band. larry is wanting to go around and lead a whole service - praise and speaking - to spark a desire in local churches for the ministry that we do (definately an exciting thing). i feel like even back home churches could be doing a lot more for the world directly around them; that's why i'm totally excited for all those involved in kcbt midtown, by the way. amazing. also, like i mentioned before, we are looking for some personal ESL clients up in jackson heights. we're going to be starting a center up there like the one we have in brooklyn for the africans. oh yeah! i forgot one of the more pressing things we have begun. chris beggs has been asked by larry to kind of revive a youth group in this church called new hope. their youth ministry pretty much died a little while back and so we have begun a ministry for them on friday nights. chris is leading it and the first week went amazingly well, but the enemy is greatly opposing it. i would certainly love that everyone pray for everything, but this ministry needs special attention. we are having so much trouble getting out to the church on time because it's so deep in queens, and the kids are really just...not showing up. it's their culture to just kind of do whatever they want whenever, so if they are in the middle of a basketball game, they'll just finish it instead of going to church. then when they're done, they might show up. we have just - one thing after another - had a terrible time getting this ministry going, but it is SO vital to these kids' lives. please pray that God would make a way for this ministry to start and flourish. pray these kids' hearts would be longing for God's Word and a godly community.
anyways, hopefully everyone has kind of gotten a glimpse of my heart as well as of what we are all doing here exactly. i have focused more on me than on the group just because a couple of people have blogs up about it so you can always read some of theirs if you want a more rounded picture. as far as prayer for me speicifically, God has really laid on my heart two mentalities while i'm here. one is psalm 126 (which i have randomly, by God only, read three times since i've been here).

when the Lord turned again the captivity of zion, we were like them that dream. then was our mouth filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing: then said they among the heathen, the Lord hath done great things for them. the Lord hath done great things for us; whereof we are glad. turn again our captivity, o Lord, as the streams in the south. they that sow in tears shall reap in joy. he that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.

at first i took the passage in the "others-minded" terminology (which i usually do when it comes to something i personally should be learning. hah!). i really have a desire to see those we are working with turn from their captivity and find joy in Christ as a result of this ministry - many of the people we are working with are either muslim, hindu or seke. i know that certainly someday that will indeed happen. all of us are praying through tears and working through suffering for these people to know and understand Christ, and this ministry will reap in joy and "bring in the sheaves" so to speak, but probably not during my two months here. that's when i realized, i need to take this personal. so, take two: Lord, turn away my captivity. i do not want all this fear and selfishness to take hold of me. fill my mouth with laughter and my tongue with singing when it comes to this ministry. it's hard. i don't like it. but it's Your heart and so then, make it mine. let me show these people the great things You have done for me, Lord. turn again my captivity from all that is holding me back, because then - and only then - can You use me to sow and reap through the difficulty of ministry, through tear-filled prayers, for Your glory alone.
God has certainly already changed me more than you can imagine in the two weeks i've been here, and all of it i can take back with me and apply at home. it's so foreign to me this following God's leading thing and this applying what He's teaching thing...but i like it and i'll get used to it, eventually. i am so excited to see where he leads and what all He does in and through me as well as in and through the lives of all those i care so much about back home. i know my life isn't the only one that He is taking hold of and drastically changing. i know it may seem weird, this newfound interest i have in others' spiritual growth, but if anything is going on in your life spiritually that you just want to joy in with someone, don't hesitate to facebook me or call me or whatever. i so desperately would love to listen and even share if you'd like. i am so excited that Christ has begun to truely show me Himself and that He's doing the same for so many that i know. don't let me miss out on what God's doing in your life. :)
oh yes. my summer's motto. you should definately get this cd or all of hillsong's united cds. hah! they are definately life-changing, for me at least...


these hands are Yours
teach them to serve as You please
and i'll reach out desperate to see
all the greatness of God.
may my soul rest assured in You.
i'll never be the same;
no, i'll never be the same

cause i know that You're alive.
You came to fix my broken life,
and i'll sing to glorify
Your Holy Name,
Jesus Christ.

You changed it all,
You broke down the wall
when i spoke and confessed.
in You i'm blessed.
now i walk in the light
in victorious sight of You.

Your fire fall down,
fall down
on us, we pray.
as we seek,

show me Your heart.
show me Your way.
show me Your glory.

- alison