the path

man i feel ridiculous, but i guess i can breathe a sigh of relief...

at the beginning of this weekend i was getting pretty desperately frustrated. i wanted so badly to know what God wanted me to do with my weekends. i really felt that He wasn't too keen on my going back to kansas city every single weekend, missing opportunities with people when they actually have free time. however, i had no idea what staying in town meant in His mind. what did it look like? i was getting no answers and grew more distraught by the moment. i decided to go home for the weekend to help me de-stress from the first week of school and kind of have some time to focus on what God might be wanting for this year (as far as weekends are concerned).
coming home, in some ways, was a certain breath of fresh air. i have such a loving church family back there that cares about warrensburg and what God is doing up here. i am so thankful for everyone. and on sunday, after a nice weekend home, God opened my eyes to something interestingly profound. i feel like such a fool now that i've come to this realization, and i'm sure many have grasped it before me, but God really gave such great peace and mercy through it.

to focus on myself is to miss God's plan and intentions for my life.
when it's "all about you," what difference does your life make? you're dead. it's all about Christ. what is His heart? what is He excited about? find His heart where you're at.

in all my frustration, even though the general idea was "God, what do You want?" the focus of "for me" was added on the end of that every time. not that i shouldn't ask what God wants for my life personally, but i have been doing that since the beginning of this summer. this sunday, God opened my eyes to His grace and freedom. find My heart wherever you're at. His heart is everywhere. He has a heart and vision for kansas city. He has a heart and vision for warrensburg. to Him, it doesn't matter which ministry i am involved in; either way, i am sharing and plugging into His heart and passions. however, since i'm in warrensburg, why not "find His heart where i'm at". and what has He been doing this summer but giving me a general vision and burden for the things He wants this year at cmsu! this is when the profound epiphany came.
i still cannot stop smiling at how ridiculous i must have seemed to Him. such a child i am. hah. maybe it's okay to ask "God, what do You want?" and just stop there! this whole time i've been so frustrated to tears just wanting to please Him down to the tiniest detail. i was following the "straight and narrow," if you will, but i was genuinely to tears asking God which part of the path - which perfect "alison size 6 shoe spot" - i should tread to do what He wills. God just looked down at me and tried to hold back chuckles as He said:

alison, it's all My will! that whole path, it leads to Me. you can walk on it anywhere you like! that's freedom in Christ! I have given you this whole path. yes, it may be narrow, but you have all of it to freely tread on.

that's when i realized, as long as i plug into God's general heart for this campus and city, He will take care to direct me even further if it's needed. for now, all of it is okay! all of it.
we have godly passions for a reason. i believe they are little pieces of His heart that we each, differently, take to present ourselves a full and complete community that depicts His entire heart. there are parts that we all have, but there are many parts that are divvied up, if you will, depending on the desires He's given us as individuals. how amazing. what freedom! i am so glad that my God is so loving and gracious.