my heart: the truth. take 1

Lord, it has been a long, long time. My care has been elsewhere and my life hardly short of a mess. It is only because of Your grace in giving me such a consistent lifestyle with other loving followers of You that I am still here, seeking and returning. You should be so angry with me. It is so overwhelming when I think of how You are not. I have cried a few times now. You have pictured your truly unconditional love toward me numerous times in the past month through circumstances and through Brett. You have revealed Yourself to my heart in ways I never thought I could comprehend. The way of the wicked is so easy at first glance - hardly a care in the world. Why do we have to fight it so hard as believers?

...when I thought how to understand this,
it seemed to me a wearisome task,
until I went into the sanctuary of God;
then I discerned their [the wicked's] end.
Truly you set them in slippery places;
you make them fall to ruin.
How they are destroyed in a moment,
swept away utterly by terrors!

My life recently has been consumed with worries and fears of so many kinds. And it seemed as though, no matter which way I turned or what area it was in, my life was crumbling. Sunday, I was so lost and alone I wanted to quit everything You had drawn me to and just give up. But somehow, regardless of my fallen state, certainly not worthy of Your affection, I find myself:

...continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength [rock] of my heart and my portion forever.

For behold, those who are far from you shall perish;
you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works.

Psalm 73

You have so gently romanced my heart back, Lord. I do not understand. You could have been so abrasive, so punishing, so judging....but You simply loved me, and called me back to You. In tears I listened to You sing to me

I will not take my love away
When praises cease and seasons change
while the whole world turns the other way
I will not take my love away

I will not leave you all alone
When striving leads you far from home
And there's no yield for what you've sown
I will not leave you all alone

I will give you what you need
In plenty or in poverty
Forever, always, look to me
And I will give you what you need

I will not take my love away

and realized that this life I want so desperately to live for You is a never-ending battle for defeat over failure. Like Jim Lee said,

Your body is not saved; only Your soul is saved. Your body is still the flesh.

Each day I will battle to get things right, and each day I will fail. But sometimes I will win. And the winning is worth the numerous failures that preceeded it. I will confess, I do not know how to keep heart. This could all be gone in a day. But I am calling on Your grace to carry me to the next, and the next, and the next with this same peaceful determination to win. You have blessed me so greatly, and I am ever indebted to Your grace and love. I come to tears every time I think of how You have given me Brett - all he is to me and how he loves me just like You. My heart prays fervently that I will never take him for granted. The ultimate goal, of course, is the same for You, but I already know I fail at that daily. However, I know with You it is the heart that matters most, and my heart is determined to faithfully love You, even if the love is weak and barely holding on. By Your grace, I am as determined as my human heart can be.
I will not take my love away...