still seeking...

today i was challenged to recall the times God had, with His Spirit, pulled on my heart about something, but i had shoved Him away, making the pulling almost obsolete by overwhelming myself with distraction: busyness, music, hang-outs, etc.
i thought hard, asking God to reveal to me any times this had occurred. for some reason nothing typical came to mind - asking someone for forgiveness, dealing with some sort of typical sin issue, reading my Bible, my prayer life, etc. instead, He cut right to the chase (and quite quickly, i might add):

alison, you have locked away your heart for me.

i'm sure the statement doesn't mean much of anything to anyone, doesn't really make sense, but it's a reality i know i've wrestled with for a year (maybe two) now: i've locked away the heart God has placed inside me; it's true as day, full of life and passion, but something traps it inside of me. the world rarely sees it - in some of my blogs, times i've had to pray out loud...maybe a handful of conversations. with each time i continue to shove the issue aside, i know my Lord is greatly grieved, and that hurts my heart, it does. but instead of that hurt moving me to action as the Holy Spirit intends, i sink deeper into distraction to numb the senses of guilt and failure that i feel.
how did this issue even come to be? what am i afraid of?
it took a little thought, but even those questions were fairly quickly answered. i've lived life a certain way for so long, and i'm afraid of change - afraid most of all of how i'll be received. being your true self, opening your heart after having locked it away for so long is a mighty scary thing. what will my friends - even people i don't really know - think of me? will i seem fake? overwhelming? where will life take me?
funny how those questions are indeed legitimate, but somehow kind of...silly. the more you think about them, the more sheepish you feel. you know they don't matter in the least. you know the life you'd have if you let go would be the best you've ever known, but somehow the fears still drive you. funny.
i realized after a while i was pretty much out of excuses. i was just sitting there, staring my God in the face, speechless. all i could say was "i know...but..." and stop. i knew there were no "but's" that made any sort of sense at all, yet i insisted on continuing to try and find one.
you know, the more i started to think about it, all i've been asking God for - a life of purpose, the strength to build relationships and take opportunities that glorify Him - all kind of revolve around this unresolved issue. hah. if i could let go and live freely in Him, i have a strange feeling all i'm asking Him for would come to pass pretty naturally.
i have a lot of thinking and seeking to do yet. i have no idea how living freely with the heart God's given me would look. i know many a time His Spirit has pulled me to check into it, but i - knowing it will be a timely and (once understood) demanding and scary task - continue to push it aside...but alas, it must be done. and i don't say must like "have to" but must like "pulled to" by His Spirit inside me and my passionate love for Him. i know you never get to see it much, but i promise you it's there. and i'm greatly sorry i've robbed you of seeing it. there is so much a person can take away from seeing another person's passions and loving devotion to their Savior. i learn a lot from others, and i know i have robbed others of learning from what God does in my heart because i don't share it.
and so i leave you with song (always with song...haha) for songs seem to speak of and to my heart toward my Savior more than i ever could. thank God for songwriters who, through His divine inspiration and their willingness to open their beautiful hearts to the Body, can speak of and to so many other hearts with their words and convictions. :)

i've been running, trying to be one who sees
i've been working salvation out on my knees
there is nothing better than knowing that we are redeemed
i'm believing, trusting in creative hands
i am praying for our world to bow to your plan
and this one thought is unmistakable:
to take up my cross and follow You, Lord

when You stand, the tall trees and mountains bow
when You speak, the fiercest of oceans is still
and i see the sinner seek devotion, the lost become chosen,
and i fall on my knees

i'm forgiven by a Savior who did not deserve death
He was blameless and i was lost in shamefulness
i'm delivered, but it doesn't seem right
unless i keep my eyes focused on the Savior who gave His life
in the middle of a world that denies, it believes
it is breaking apart at the very seams
there is one thing to be alive for
and it's to take up my cross and follow You, Lord

i will take up my cross and follow, Lord
wherever You lead me
and i will take up my cross and follow
wherever You go

...

let now our hearts burn with a flame
a fire consuming all for Your Son's holy name
and with the heavens we declare
You are our King

You asked Your Son to carry this
the heavy cross
our weight of sin

i love You, Lord
i worship You
hope which was lost
now stands renewed

i give my life to honor this
the love of Christ
the Savior King

...

today my soul is soaring
way over mountains high
though i can see the valleys
they're all just passing by

it's not that i am stronger
look at my feeble wings
but i've been lifted higher
Yaweh's lifted me in His own strength

oh, how i love You, Lord
i love Your perfect Word
with tearful eyes to see
the God who always will endure

now i will celebrate
for all the thousand ways
that You have shown me grace
and made my heart in grace to stay
Lord, make my heat in grace to stay
i need You, oh, i need You

i'm so excited to see all God does this summer, and i'm so thankful for the versions of His Body that He has placed around me: my home church and Jason's church. i'm so excited to see all that He desires to use us for, and i am passionately praying that, most of all, we can be used as a source of true and unconditional, perfect love; the only source of love some in our kansas city community have ever seen...

distraction cast aside, we seek Your face
we offer up our life to bring You praise
a love that walls cannot contain
You are holy, Lord

we're rising up in spirit and in truth
a living sacrifice, we worship You
a people undivided, Lord, hear us sing
we are Yours and You are our King

this is our love
hearts joined as one
desperate for all You are
Lord, break down these walls
and see how we run
desperate for all You want
we chase Your heart

show us the way to Your heart

now we've found our voice
we've found our cause
we're on our knees, the carpet's worn
we join our hearts with distant shores
and we sing to You, Lord

...

let it be said of us
that we gave to reach the dying
let it be said of us
by the fruit we leave behind
let it be said of us
that our legacy is blessing for life

this day
you set life, you set death right before us
this day
every blessing and curse is a choice now
and we will choose to be a blessing for life

for Your Kingdom
for our children
for the sake of every nation