Came to the Lord this morning seeking answers for my soul's unrest. I know I have not been fully surrendered to passions He has placed in me in a long time. I know once I did, and it was truly a window into a life I so desperately wanted. I had (and have) never felt more centered, alive, at peace, passionate. But, because of my hesitance (defiance?) many old passions have now grown dormant and distant. Are they even my passions anymore - will they ever be again? I am hollow and my Spirit deeply unsettled knowing I am not where I could be...where I should be. Yes, job (the majority of my time) was on my mind in these thoughts. However, it's really more life than just job. If I fully open up to and follow His passion, where would I be? Would I still be here...all the pieces that "here" entails?
[[ His word: Submissive waiting. Pursue and faint not. Believe despite response. Prove your passion. ]]
Clearly, God knows our past in this matter, and is, thus, reluctant to divulge much upon my first request. The past: I've nearly never had the faith and trust that all would be well in "letting go". So, I don't. I get where I am now...and stop. And, He knows all too well what that continual disappointment looks like. I just pray I have the strength and tenacity to stop this cycle. I truly desire to "let go" and respond to the callings He starts to 1) bring back or 2) create anew for my heart (like Ethan opens his heart to do so often). But...
How could the dreams I realize possibly mesh with Brett's dreams? How would one of us not go wanting? How could we both be passionately (recklessly?) pursuing His calling? Wouldn't we starve/go bankrupt/be ridiculed & look foolish/etc. because neither of us would make any money living this way? What if it was too long of a process - we pursued the wrong path too quickly, had to divert and step back - and there wouldn't be any time to recover and keep moving?
I know that these thoughts are ludicrous because my God is omnipotent, mighty, faithful, love. But, why can I not shake past these thoughts and say "Heck with it!"? I supposed the true answer is fear.
I read in some book what seems to be a distant time ago about this type of fear. It's not even fear of failure, actually. It's fear of success. Fear of a life bigger than I could ever dream - more satisfying, more impact-ful, more perfect...but more scary. Trust that calls for trust that calls for trust and yet more trust. A never-ending cycle of me never being "comfortable" or "in charge" anymore, despite how perfectly matched my life would be for me at that point. Why oh why does my feeble brain chose the former over the latter simply because I fear to relinquish control when I know my God is able?
God is with us
God is on our side
He will make a way
Far about all we know
Far about all we hope
He has done great things
Lifted up, He defeated the grave
Raised to life, our God is able
In His name, we overcome
For the Lord, our God is able
God is with us
He will go before
He will never leave us
He will never leave us
God is for us
He has open arms
He will never fail us
He will never fail us
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i'm so scared of the only life that intrigues me.
but longing and passion are slowly winning the battle.
and i'm soon to find...
life is so radically different this way.
if i would only choose to live.
if i would only....
die.
but longing and passion are slowly winning the battle.
and i'm soon to find...
life is so radically different this way.
if i would only choose to live.
if i would only....
die.
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here is for all of us...a journey we are called to where things become more uncertain before they become clear, where our need for faith in God increases with every step rather than diminishes...He will shake loose everything in which we place our trust outside of Him and teach us how to thrive in a future unknown. there is only One who is certain; everything else exists in the realm of uncertainty.
- erwin mcmanus, chasing daylight
- erwin mcmanus, chasing daylight
