.

quoted to perfection

2009-11-01T20:44:00.002-06:00

Christ summons the disillusioned to the paradoxical bliss

of spilling life lavishly, sacrificially for the glory of God & the good of man.

Those with presence of mind & semblance of health are called to pour out

the drink offering of their lives until the cup is overturned

and every drop of energy slips - perhaps unnoticed, uncelebrated -

into the vast ocean of earthly need.

- Beth Moore

beautifully creative expression

2008-09-11T21:51:00.007-05:00

God has been gently romancing me into the art of creative expression. It was a whim, really, picking up Creative Prayer from the now nonexistent Christan bookstore down the street. It was cultural defiance (and my hippie tendencies), really, that enticed me to experience and inadvertently fall in love with Across the Universe. But nonetheless, these two among many other of my recent choices have been made, and God has used them to drastically shape my heart.

I wonder frequently where all this is leading - this secret lust for a hippie-inspired, empty-pocket lifestyle where the outpouring of Divine love and real-world creativity intermingle. Maybe someday when I'm 85 with a hip replacement and FEED bag full of memories, I'll write it all down and hug the book to my chest, never regretting a moment I spent chasing a purpose, a life that most in the world would say isn't possible.

But right now...that possible recollection is a fleeting hope barely seen in the distance. A heart compelled with the absence of direction is nothing more than lifeless words on a page. Lord, will I ever figure out how to compile all my experiences, beliefs and passions into an undeniable, Jesus-saturated identity?

I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping
While my guitar gently weeps
I look at the floor and I see it need sweeping
Still my guitar gently weeps

I don't know why nobody told you
how to unfold you love
I don't know how someone controlled you
they bought and sold you

I look at the world and I notice it's turning
While my guitar gently weeps
With every mistake we must surely be learning
Still my guitar gently weeps

I don't know how you were diverted
you were perverted too
I don't know how you were inverted
no one alerted you

I look at you all see the love there that's sleeping
While my guitar gently weeps
I look at you all
Still my guitar gently weeps

Why am I ever only a silent observer...

oooo, you're makin' me feel

2008-04-24T14:38:00.007-05:00

so lately i've been thinking a lot about this song, nikki rutz, irresistible revolution, captivating, braddigan and my strengths finder results simlutaneously. God's really made an interesting stew out of all of the main issues these people raise in my heart. i'm not really sure where this simmering will take me, but i'm very intrigued to find out.

right now i've been desirous to change my buying (or, as i would like to call it, investing) habits. if i need a t-shirt, shoes, new bag, new shower gel why not buy a version of it with bigger purpose attached than just my needs? i have yet to do extensive research on this - and i need to figure out how i can buy professional clothing and accessories for a big-people job this way - but it's a process. the more i think about it, the more i'm sure this is my first step to figure out what kind of a person God wants me to be for this word, personally.

there are so many people around the world well beyond less fortunate than myself that, through the ingenious care and sensitivity from some entrepreneurs, are able to benefit from my "investments" if only i would take the time and extra few dollars to, in some cases, sustain their very life. if you can't tell, people-oriented charity (poverty, world hunger, social justice) is my kindling passion.

now, to each their own. you gotta pick and chose your battles. not everyone can fight for social justice, world hunger, green peace, animal rights, etc. all at once. unless that's your life or something. and by no means have i figured out how to make such issues my life (and sorry to offend anyone, but i'm not sure i'll ever jump on the "in the arms of the angels" pets bandwagon. people need attention first, in my opinion - although animal abuse is a very sad reality).

but yeah. i dunno if too many people feel me on this, but i'm pretty sure it's been rising on peoples' agendas recently. i would love any input on info you've found, but let me just tell you right now: i'm not a fan of charitable buys that donate like...a "whole two dollars" to support a cause. ridiculous. i'm in it for the big bucks.

i relly wish i was better at this, but if anyone else does feel me, here are the few sources i've compiled thus far:

FEED bag - feed a child at school for a year. annnd, i'm pretty sure you could use it can double as an environmentally-friendly grocery bag as well, eh?
TOMS shoes - you buy a pair, he donates a pair to a child (currently either South American or African)
Jedidiah - not only do they create and sell shirts for large social justice, world hunger and poverty organizations, they donate $10 of those sales as well as 10% of all regular sales to a number of causes

inside my heaven

2008-02-27T23:31:00.004-06:00

i always love talking about design. i walk away refreshed and at peace, bright and happy. i love design...all aspects of it.

it makes sense since my Creator's design is what draws my love for Him most. every landscape, every tree, every sunny rain, and every creative masterpiece He has given man the capacity to create - a perfect reflection of His unattainably vast creativity.

talking about design brings the light of all my artistic loves to life and thus reminds me of the God i could never fall out of love with - even in the hardest of times - for when design is mentioned, my heart is captured once again.

i have always been afraid of the "forever" heaven concept mostly because heaven was not portrayed as my true "heaven" that i desire. of course it won't be anything my mind can conjure, but i believe it will be at least better. so, my love for heaven has now been awakened for my heaven, i have realized, is a small glimpse of what eternal life with my Creator will be like: bright, warm, peaceful, vibrant, free. everything creativity brings to me in its purest form.

my heart: the truth. take 1

2007-07-03T18:40:00.001-05:00

Lord, it has been a long, long time. My care has been elsewhere and my life hardly short of a mess. It is only because of Your grace in giving me such a consistent lifestyle with other loving followers of You that I am still here, seeking and returning. You should be so angry with me. It is so overwhelming when I think of how You are not. I have cried a few times now. You have pictured your truly unconditional love toward me numerous times in the past month through circumstances and through Brett. You have revealed Yourself to my heart in ways I never thought I could comprehend. The way of the wicked is so easy at first glance - hardly a care in the world. Why do we have to fight it so hard as believers?

...when I thought how to understand this,
it seemed to me a wearisome task,
until I went into the sanctuary of God;
then I discerned their [the wicked's] end.
Truly you set them in slippery places;
you make them fall to ruin.
How they are destroyed in a moment,
swept away utterly by terrors!

My life recently has been consumed with worries and fears of so many kinds. And it seemed as though, no matter which way I turned or what area it was in, my life was crumbling. Sunday, I was so lost and alone I wanted to quit everything You had drawn me to and just give up. But somehow, regardless of my fallen state, certainly not worthy of Your affection, I find myself:

...continually with you;
you hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will receive me to glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength [rock] of my heart and my portion forever.

For behold, those who are far from you shall perish;
you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you.
But for me it is good to be near God;
I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works.

Psalm 73

You have so gently romanced my heart back, Lord. I do not understand. You could have been so abrasive, so punishing, so judging....but You simply loved me, and called me back to You. In tears I listened to You sing to me

I will not take my love away
When praises cease and seasons change
while the whole world turns the other way
I will not take my love away

I will not leave you all alone
When striving leads you far from home
And there's no yield for what you've sown
I will not leave you all alone

I will give you what you need
In plenty or in poverty
Forever, always, look to me
And I will give you what you need

I will not take my love away

and realized that this life I want so desperately to live for You is a never-ending battle for defeat over failure. Like Jim Lee said,

Your body is not saved; only Your soul is saved. Your body is still the flesh.

Each day I will battle to get things right, and each day I will fail. But sometimes I will win. And the winning is worth the numerous failures that preceeded it. I will confess, I do not know how to keep heart. This could all be gone in a day. But I am calling on Your grace to carry me to the next, and the next, and the next with this same peaceful determination to win. You have blessed me so greatly, and I am ever indebted to Your grace and love. I come to tears every time I think of how You have given me Brett - all he is to me and how he loves me just like You. My heart prays fervently that I will never take him for granted. The ultimate goal, of course, is the same for You, but I already know I fail at that daily. However, I know with You it is the heart that matters most, and my heart is determined to faithfully love You, even if the love is weak and barely holding on. By Your grace, I am as determined as my human heart can be.
I will not take my love away...

still seeking...

2007-06-03T14:22:00.000-05:00

today i was challenged to recall the times God had, with His Spirit, pulled on my heart about something, but i had shoved Him away, making the pulling almost obsolete by overwhelming myself with distraction: busyness, music, hang-outs, etc.
i thought hard, asking God to reveal to me any times this had occurred. for some reason nothing typical came to mind - asking someone for forgiveness, dealing with some sort of typical sin issue, reading my Bible, my prayer life, etc. instead, He cut right to the chase (and quite quickly, i might add):

alison, you have locked away your heart for me.

i'm sure the statement doesn't mean much of anything to anyone, doesn't really make sense, but it's a reality i know i've wrestled with for a year (maybe two) now: i've locked away the heart God has placed inside me; it's true as day, full of life and passion, but something traps it inside of me. the world rarely sees it - in some of my blogs, times i've had to pray out loud...maybe a handful of conversations. with each time i continue to shove the issue aside, i know my Lord is greatly grieved, and that hurts my heart, it does. but instead of that hurt moving me to action as the Holy Spirit intends, i sink deeper into distraction to numb the senses of guilt and failure that i feel.
how did this issue even come to be? what am i afraid of?
it took a little thought, but even those questions were fairly quickly answered. i've lived life a certain way for so long, and i'm afraid of change - afraid most of all of how i'll be received. being your true self, opening your heart after having locked it away for so long is a mighty scary thing. what will my friends - even people i don't really know - think of me? will i seem fake? overwhelming? where will life take me?
funny how those questions are indeed legitimate, but somehow kind of...silly. the more you think about them, the more sheepish you feel. you know they don't matter in the least. you know the life you'd have if you let go would be the best you've ever known, but somehow the fears still drive you. funny.
i realized after a while i was pretty much out of excuses. i was just sitting there, staring my God in the face, speechless. all i could say was "i know...but..." and stop. i knew there were no "but's" that made any sort of sense at all, yet i insisted on continuing to try and find one.
you know, the more i started to think about it, all i've been asking God for - a life of purpose, the strength to build relationships and take opportunities that glorify Him - all kind of revolve around this unresolved issue. hah. if i could let go and live freely in Him, i have a strange feeling all i'm asking Him for would come to pass pretty naturally.
i have a lot of thinking and seeking to do yet. i have no idea how living freely with the heart God's given me would look. i know many a time His Spirit has pulled me to check into it, but i - knowing it will be a timely and (once understood) demanding and scary task - continue to push it aside...but alas, it must be done. and i don't say must like "have to" but must like "pulled to" by His Spirit inside me and my passionate love for Him. i know you never get to see it much, but i promise you it's there. and i'm greatly sorry i've robbed you of seeing it. there is so much a person can take away from seeing another person's passions and loving devotion to their Savior. i learn a lot from others, and i know i have robbed others of learning from what God does in my heart because i don't share it.
and so i leave you with song (always with song...haha) for songs seem to speak of and to my heart toward my Savior more than i ever could. thank God for songwriters who, through His divine inspiration and their willingness to open their beautiful hearts to the Body, can speak of and to so many other hearts with their words and convictions. :)

i've been running, trying to be one who sees
i've been working salvation out on my knees
there is nothing better than knowing that we are redeemed
i'm believing, trusting in creative hands
i am praying for our world to bow to your plan
and this one thought is unmistakable:
to take up my cross and follow You, Lord

when You stand, the tall trees and mountains bow
when You speak, the fiercest of oceans is still
and i see the sinner seek devotion, the lost become chosen,
and i fall on my knees

i'm forgiven by a Savior who did not deserve death
He was blameless and i was lost in shamefulness
i'm delivered, but it doesn't seem right
unless i keep my eyes focused on the Savior who gave His life
in the middle of a world that denies, it believes
it is breaking apart at the very seams
there is one thing to be alive for
and it's to take up my cross and follow You, Lord

i will take up my cross and follow, Lord
wherever You lead me
and i will take up my cross and follow
wherever You go

...

let now our hearts burn with a flame
a fire consuming all for Your Son's holy name
and with the heavens we declare
You are our King

You asked Your Son to carry this
the heavy cross
our weight of sin

i love You, Lord
i worship You
hope which was lost
now stands renewed

i give my life to honor this
the love of Christ
the Savior King

...

today my soul is soaring
way over mountains high
though i can see the valleys
they're all just passing by

it's not that i am stronger
look at my feeble wings
but i've been lifted higher
Yaweh's lifted me in His own strength

oh, how i love You, Lord
i love Your perfect Word
with tearful eyes to see
the God who always will endure

now i will celebrate
for all the thousand ways
that You have shown me grace
and made my heart in grace to stay
Lord, make my heat in grace to stay
i need You, oh, i need You

i'm so excited to see all God does this summer, and i'm so thankful for the versions of His Body that He has placed around me: my home church and Jason's church. i'm so excited to see all that He desires to use us for, and i am passionately praying that, most of all, we can be used as a source of true and unconditional, perfect love; the only source of love some in our kansas city community have ever seen...

distraction cast aside, we seek Your face
we offer up our life to bring You praise
a love that walls cannot contain
You are holy, Lord

we're rising up in spirit and in truth
a living sacrifice, we worship You
a people undivided, Lord, hear us sing
we are Yours and You are our King

this is our love
hearts joined as one
desperate for all You are
Lord, break down these walls
and see how we run
desperate for all You want
we chase Your heart

show us the way to Your heart

now we've found our voice
we've found our cause
we're on our knees, the carpet's worn
we join our hearts with distant shores
and we sing to You, Lord

...

let it be said of us
that we gave to reach the dying
let it be said of us
by the fruit we leave behind
let it be said of us
that our legacy is blessing for life

this day
you set life, you set death right before us
this day
every blessing and curse is a choice now
and we will choose to be a blessing for life

for Your Kingdom
for our children
for the sake of every nation

and in my freetime i realize...

2007-05-12T16:12:00.001-05:00

"what no eye has seen, nor ear has heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him" -

these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. for the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. for who knows a person's thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? so also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, that we might understand the things freely given us by God. and we impart this in words not taught by human wisdom but taught by the Spirit, interpreting spiritual truths to those who are spiritual.

i corinthians 2:9-13

"is Jesus Christ an important part of your life ... or is he your very life?"
- Jim Lee

...i'm learning how to seek.

Jesus Christ hardcore

2007-03-27T23:56:00.000-05:00

hardcore christians find a home

hurst's deliverance bible church prides itself on being a home for outcasts, radical in their obedience to the teachings of Jesus. (dmn) story

i find this a greatly encouraging article/interview. it's so interesting how the church is always the same base with different cultures and demographics to suit its body a.k.a. those who are searching for acceptance and a home in Christ. and i'm loving how the recognition of that very concept is being voiced...maybe it always has been, but it seems like it has become more mainstream in the past few years. all around me i have noticed (as well as personally experienced) a desire to come back to the "basics" of Christianity - what really matters. i find the current spread of that desire very encouraging. but like i said, maybe it's just me as i have just in the past couple years started to become aware of this...but i love it. and i would hope that i become involved in (and stay involved with for the rest of my life) a body of Christ-followers who desire to make their community a home for those who are in dire need of one - whatever that may look like...

warm weather inspiraton

2007-02-22T09:01:00.000-06:00

i was thinking the other day about the idea of how we are vessels God uses - the closest thing to "Jesus in the flesh" here on earth, and i eventually found myself asking God (even though it is quite impossible) if i could be so tenacious in making myself available for His working and in my awareness of - and action on - all the possible opportunities He places around me that i begin to feel like i'm almost overwhelming Him with interactions and conversations through which He has to work because they compliment and fulfil His heart.

that just...ahhh!...overwhelms me with this...peaceful, summer-like joy that i can't explain.

what if i could be so engaged in Jesus' heart and so aware of all the possible opportunities before me that i begin to constantly impact the world in an eternally significant way - the conversations i have, the activities, situations...just...things i purposely plan and/or am involved in, the time and people i make myself available to and for?

the more i read about paul in the bible - his life, his ministries, his actions - i am convinced he must have either:

1) came to the same conclusion or
2) just naturally lived that way from the beginning because...that's just how you live for Christ. duh.

when i took that personality test thing at ldc, it said that ruth and paul where my bible personality-alikes. yay for me cause paul is definitely the person i look up to and strive to be most like when it comes to being Jesus to my world. he inspires me more than anyone else...
and books like irresistible revolution and chasing daylight just further this madness within me, i guess. haha. the more i see and hear about God intensely working through the lives of those who could care less about the things of this world (to an extent some would call extreme), the more my heart burns to live in such a way.

how stifling it is sometimes in college when it doesn't seem like you have any other choice but to get caught up in "resume-building" and status. i mean i'm not kidding, stifiling. it's so hard for me sometimes to find purpose in even being here to puruse a projected lifestyle that i don't desire. i could care less about what half these people care about, but you see...
i care about these people.
so i could never leave them any earlier, and...all of a sudden...i find myself "resting" - peacefully with big, soul-deep sighs - in the eternally significant opportunities i begin to notice and take hold of.

i guess this is what it means to find rest, peace, strength and confidence in your Savior...simultaneously.

hey kids...

2007-01-21T10:44:00.000-06:00

so my dad started blogging now.

marks of the true christian

2007-01-14T13:24:00.000-06:00

let love be genuine. abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. love one another with brotherly affection. outdo one another in showing honor. do not be slothful in zeal (enthusiastic devotion), be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation (great adversity, oppression or persecution), be constant in prayer. contribute to the needs of the saints (followers of Jesus) and seek to show hospitality.
bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. live in harmony with one another. do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly - give yourselves to humble tasks. never be conceited. repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. if possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
"if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink" (proverbs 25:21)...do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.
as for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions...let not the one who eats despise the one who abstains, and let not the one who abstains pass judgment on the one who eats, for God has welcomed him. who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? it is before his own Master that he stands or falls.
for none of us lives to himself, and none of us dies to himself. if we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. so then, whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord's.
so then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbuilding.
let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. for Christ did not please himself,
may the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Jesus Christ, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. therefore, welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God.
excerpts from Jesus' apostle paul's letter to the romans

lately God has been bringing me back to the basics of true Christianity - what our community should look like and what's important to Him. i was reading a book yesterday and came across an amazing quote the author had fallen in love with by the late singer/songwriter rich mullins as he was preaching at wheaton:

"you guys are all into that born again thing, which is great. we do need to be born again, since Jesus said that to a guy named nicodemus. but if you tell me i have to be born again to enter the kingdom of God, i can tell you that you have to sell everything you have and give it to the poor, because Jesus said that to one guy too...but i guess that's why God invented highlighters, so we can highlight the parts we like and ignore the rest."

who makes the parts of the Bible we deem "more important".....more important?

it would be a very interesting life if we were meant to take a lot more of the Bible seriously than we actually do in america.
growing up in the church, it's been hard for me to take away all i've known and read the Bible like it was the first time. we know, as christians, to take "more than what meets the eye" away into our lives, but i wonder if we skip over some of the stuff that is "what meets the eye."

"Jesus never says to the poor, 'come find the church,' but he says to those of us in the church, 'go into the world and find the poor, hungry, homeless, imprisoned,' Jesus in his disguises."
tony campolo, eastern college professor

"have we even begun to be christians?"
dorothy day

"...over and over in the Scriptures, Jesus warns people of the cost of discipleship, that it will cost them everything they have ever hoped for and believed in - their biological families, their possessions, even their very lives. he warns them to count the cost before putting their hand to the plow. and Jesus allows people to walk away."
shane claiborne, founder of the simple way

how do we live true christianity in america?

already you have all you want! already you have become rich! without us you have become kings! and would that you did reign, so that we might share the rule with you! for i think that God has exhibited us apostles as last of all, like men sentenced to death, because we have become a spectacle to the world, to angels, and to men. we are fools for Christ's sake, but you are wise in Christ. we are weak, but you are strong. you are held in honor, but we in disrepute. to the present hour we hunger and thirst, we are poorly dressed and buffeted and homeless, and we labor, working with our own hands. when reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure; when slandered, we entreat. we have become, and are still, like the scum of the world, the refuse of all things.
i do not write these things to make you ashamed, but to admonish you as my beloved children. for though you have countless guides in Christ, you do not have many fathers. for i became your father in Christ Jesus through the gospel. i urge you, then, be imitators of me.

paul, in his first letter to the church in corinth

movement is an action

2006-12-10T00:55:00.000-06:00

here is for all of us...a journey we are called to where things become more uncertain before they become clear, where our need for faith in God increases with every step rather than diminishes...He will shake loose everything in which we place our trust outside of Him and teach us how to thrive in a future unknown. there is only One who is certain; everything else exists in the realm of uncertainty.

- erwin mcmanus, chasing daylight

i'm so scared of the only life that intrigues me.
but longing and passion are slowly winning the battle.
and i'm soon to find...
life is so radically different this way.
if i would only choose to live.
if i would only....
die.

what would my life look like if every free moment was lived to God's glory?
if that 2:00 hour i had i spent in conversations with God's world of opportunities ever on my mind.
if i took up all my sorority sisters on their side-arm comments like "i miss you. we need to hang."
if i talked to people in class every once in a while.
if i spent my nights with those God's heart is breaking to save instead of constantly hanging with those He's already claimed.

how do i cross over? how do i make God's heart cries within me reality? i don't have to pray for Him to use me. i don't have to pray for a life of significance. with each day that passes and i have not moved, i choose my own destiny. i waste my life. i fail my heart. i am only hurting myself. the only way to live is to embrace the fear, the pain, the suffering of an uncertain life of faith. why am i so afraid to let go when it's all i can think about, when it's all i yearn for? why am i so afraid to let go? how can i move a heart that is human? how can i ask Him to change my will? i can only ask for God's power and Spirit to take me over, for Him to steal my life away. i don't want a choice anymore. i've made it. somehow force me to act on it. can i ask Him for that? why won't i move? how can i pull past this? i trust that a life of meaning is acting on all God's shown me - really, anything He's shown me. but how do i put words into action? heart isn't enough. passion isn't enough. faith isn't enough. i don't even know what to ask. i can't forever waste my life away knowing the only thing i have to do is move, but i will never be strong enough to move myself without Him.

I think it's time
To sober up and die

Now every little second is time
And every word seems to rhyme
I follow every word like streetlights
To make it home all right

Now every little second just flies
I hold on to them like paradise
I follow every word like streetlights
I want to fall in love and leave tonight

Been riding in the sunset
Ignoring what follows after beauty
Fades to black now
Just riding in the sunset
Now this paralyzing cold
Always comes crawling back
I think it's time
To sober up and live

Now every little second is time
And every word seems to rhyme
I follow every word like streetlights
To make it home all right

Now every little second just flies
I hold on to them like paradise
I follow every word like streetlights
I want to fall in love and leave tonight

my heart is plagued
by a life that lacks significance
by all i know my life could be
but isn't.

chasing daylight

2006-10-26T14:07:00.000-05:00

holy dang. it's so hard for me to write on this thing. i have so much to share but my thoughts and experiences all just jumble together in this unfinished mess. i feel like if i keep waiting longer things will form this big elaborately finished product that i can then convey to the world. hah. not so much...
i will say that i think i'm going through another critical transitioning, if you will, in the way my faith is defined. it's kinda like what they say about sororities: "you get out of it what you put into it." i feel like a relationship with God is essentially much in the same, and i'm currently facing some seriously defining situations right now. it's scary. any action that greatly shapes the dynamic of its outcome usually is, but it's more that i'm afraid i won't really make the dicisions at all. i may very well sit in this teetering spot for much longer than i'd ever want to handle.
Ever since last year, God's just kind of stripped away everything secure, everything i've always known, and is now saying...all right...perfect. go. hurry up. let's do this. and i'm sitting here dazed and confused wondering what the crap He's talking about. haha. ironically enough, just as He starts showing me how to live a life of freedom with the passions He places inside of me, i start reading this book Chasing Daylight (aka Seizing Your Divine Moment). it is pretty much enhanced the most life-changing and faith-defining challenges i've ever encountered in my life. God poses me with a challenge, i'm kinda in awe about it, pick up the book, and there's the whole thing over again. not kidding you. like that fast. i'm seriously feelin the heat. God is posing some HUGE things to me that i'm more than willing, in theory, to do...but when it comes down to reality, the same fears continue to grip me. fears i KNOW have, in my life, been proven wrong, that God has already conquered right in front of my face. but, c'mon. for serious...these are some inTENSE ideas. they'll shape my life forever.

how we view God dramatically affects who we become. how we understand God to work directly affects the life we live in God.

as is the theme in pretty much every book i've chosen to read out of my own will (which has only been about five): God calls us to give our lives for something greater than ourselves. there is an adventure out there that hardly any of us take hold of, the adventure of living in this extreme, ridiculously-uncertain-to-us faith. the idea of this one is, each moment in your life is defining and filled with monumental potential...the kinds of things that once you make a decision...your life (and usually the lives of others) are dramatically changed. and the whole concept isn't in this whole "don't waste your time, every moment you could make a mistake" idea.

the power of every moment makes them sources of immeasureable opportunity and hope. no matter what kind of life you've lived, no matter how many wrong choices you've made, the next moment is waiting to give birth to new life.

does this not like seriously blow your mind about as much as the ocean does? seriously. haha. it's one of those ideas you grasp just enough but totally will never fully get because it's just so overwhelming. so okay. that's all idea A. and seriously, all of this is bittersweet because now that they've been posed to me - regardless of how much i want to accept or deny them - i'm going to make a choice: will i rise to the occasion...or not. and this question is, of course, posed...pretty much every day. but then. as if that wasn't intense enough, there's idea B on top of it all (and i'm only halfway done with the book. i can only imagine...):

when we sieze [seemingly "impossible"] devine moments, even though we recognize that we are inadequate for the challenge before us, we experience the power and wonder of God.

it doesn't so much hit me when you put it like "God calls us to a life of uncertainty," but when you put it into this idea of ridiculous gray-area freedom, thaaaat's when it really gets to me. this idea that, okay, God gives you his basic instructions in the Bible, then he gives each person unique passions, personalities, gifts, etc. and we just....go. you're not to be afraid of "doing the wrong thing" but, instead, of "doing nothing at all." we have this insane freedom to act on the hearts God's given us, to pray with this power and certainty that any time we ask something of God with the intention of furthering His will, he WILL answer it, even if the answer looks different than the one we anticipated. i just sometimes can't even believe we have this freedom until i realize the amount of faith it takes to live a life filled with choices.

don't look for God to fill in all the blanks. don't wait for Him to remove all uncertainty. realize He may actually increase the uncertainty and leverage all the odds against you, just so that you will know in the end that it wasn't your gifts but His power through your gifts that fulfilled His purpose in your life...when God intervenes and there is really no human explaination, your life points to God, and His hand is undeniable. it is usually this kind of faith that catches our attention.

it's so funny, cause i finally realized the answer to that question: "well, how do you know God is in what you're doing?" you don't. you know if it's something that is an act on the heart God's placed inside of you or not, if it's something He would be pleased with, if it's someting done in selflessness, but otherwise you just...trust and know. sometimes God gives you proof, but sometimes He doesn't, and that doesn't make it something God's not "in."
mcmanus uses this story to describe this insane faith he's picturing; it's the one of the blind man from john 9. he's blind, he asks Jesus for sight, Jesus makes this paste from dirt and spit, puts it on his eyes, and tells him to go wash in the pool of siloam. well, mcmanus did what i often find myself doing, he found something in that passage that gave it a whole different twist. who knows if it was fully intended to be found or if it was just something God used to show him this particular concept, but yeah. it made me feel better cause He does that to me all the time. haha. so anyways, mcmanus points out that the poor blind man has just asked Jesus for sight and Jesus, to be blunt, puts some nasty spitty (and it seriously had to have been a HUGE lugie) dirt on his face and tells him to leave and go wash. kinda harsh, embarrassing, and confusing, really. but then, mcmanus deducts this:

when Jesus commanded the man to go to the place called Sent, to leave with his prayers unfulfilled, with his needs unmet, with his questions unanswered, in many ways he left in a worse condition than before. he was a blind man with mud caked on his face moving father away from the only One who could help him. he coud have never fully grasped that his healing would come only in the place called Sent. that if he had refused the journey, he would have lost the miracle. [and he goes on to infer that] there is for all of us...a journey we are called to where things become more uncertain before they become clear, where our need for faith in God increases with every step rather than diminishes...He will shake loose everything in which we place our trust outside of Him and teach us how to thrive in a future unknown. there is only One who is certain; everything else exists in the realm of uncertainty.

this is what God's shown me in my life this very year. this very semester. this very week. today, even. and it's so interesting how the random book recommendation i get from an old friend that i never see anymore but ran into this summer, is the book that i start reading this semester, and never ceases to "second the motion" of what God is already revealing to me. i know. inTENSE.
i want to say i know that i'm ready to rise to the challenge and that i'm excited, cause part of my heart feels that way. but the reality is, i'm freaking scared and i don't want to make the wrong choice. so i sit here. making a few choices here and there and seeing God bless out of encouragment (hoping i'll let go and live already. haha), but for the most part avoiding uncertainty, trust, and faliure. but God is patiently faithful, and change IS coming. with each moment i lack action, my discontentment increases and i'm only pushed closer to my breaking point. i won't be able to sit here much longer: watching opportunities pass me, thinking about quitting things that don't immideately show potential and yeild product, fearing uncertain outcomes. i can't stay here forever. and i'm determined to move forward. so i guess it's only a matter of time until my heart can't take it anymore and i just...let go. and move.

i don't want to move and i don't think i could.
i don't want to move and i don't think i should.
i don't want to move.
no, i don't want to move.
i don't want to move and i don't think i could.

breathe in deeper now.
breathe in deeper now.
breathe in deeper, breathe in now.

the costliest of costs.
the deadliests of loss.
the wonder of the cross.
the breath of life that stops,
the hope of Heaven bought.
the wonder of the cross.
the wonder of the cross.

breathe in deeper now (the wonder of the cross).
breathe in deeper now (the wonder of the cross).
breathe in deeper, breathe in now.

getaway: becoming a revolutionary

2006-10-02T08:30:00.000-05:00

ahhhhh. getaway was much needed. you know how everyone has that one thing in nature that just for some reason helps them to grasp the power and majesty of who God is? well yeah. large bodies of water do that for me. actually...nature in general. but seriously. i always say, if i could do anything (regardless of how unsafe it would be in "real world" terms) to enjoy and reflect on who God is, i would most definately be in the middle of the bluest and biggest ocean on a raft just the size of my body. not kidding. when i went to california and we took a boat to catalina island, i was completely enraptured by the idea that God is even bigger and even more powerful than the ocean. i know that sounds like...elementary...but trust me, once you're completely surrounded by ocean on all sides, you'll get me. anywho. getaway by the lake was the greatest thing ever. i'm not sure i'll really ever be able to truely describe my experience at getaway. i am just completely overwhelmed by God and the freedom that comes in giving my life to His plan and purpose.

now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. and we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. for this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.
- 2 corinthians 3:17-18 -

that last one is my life verse. it has been ever since high school some time. it's funny now, because the reason why i even payed a whole ton of attention to it was because i was searching for a verse that - like real "true" christians - i could sign with my name in people's yearbooks or in thank you notes and christmas cards. haha. i mean, i genuinely thought it was an interesting and amazing verse, but it's ironic how seriously that verse has become my heart's cry. you know, i guess it really plays into describing my experience at getaway. weird. i really didn't think i was gonna be able to do that. hah. i wasn't really even thinking about the verse...it's content and idea just happens to match what was going on inside my heart, i guess. cool.

for you were called to freedom, brothers. only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.
- galatians 5:13 -

i can't wait to see all God does while i'm here at ucm and all He calls me to do for the rest of my life. i'm so thankful for the campus church. God has just, in waaaaay too many ways (hah), given me the desires of my heart. hold up. let me clarify. my heart that matches His. He's given me a wonderful community of believers who are fueled by the very same passions i am to love and serve this campus. He's beginning to stir up a desire for prayer in the burg like He has already done back home in kansas city, and i can't wait to see all that He is able to do through us on this campus because of it. i finally stepped out in faith, using my freedom in Him, started ministering in ways that i was empassioned to minister, and He blessed. i spoke up about what fuels me and what some of my visions are, and they're becoming reality because God has laid them on the hearts of others around me as well. who knew. He has confirmed every decision i've made recently in His word, and has greatly encouraged me to live more and more freely through Him. it's so funny sometimes how we are afraid to follow desires of our heart that would be pleasing to Him. we're so afraid they may not be exactly what He wants, yet when we finally (usually after much wasted time and anguish) just let go and do it, He blesses the decision, and we come to find that it's what He had desired for us to do all along. go figure.
ever since this summer, a true understanding of what God's will is and how it works has finally made its way into my head. hah. and what freedom it is! for serious. i guess i'm just and intense person or something, but i'm just so excited that it's finally sunk in; as long as my heart's desire is to please Him, nothing i do in acting on that desire will be "the wrong decision." God will always confirm and gently direct as He seses fit, but can ultimately use anything i do in His name (with the intention of furthering His will and His kingdom). yay. anyways. i'll leave you all with what is currently fueling me now that we're back:

the vision

continue in prayer, and watch in the same with thanksgiving;
- colossians 3:2 -

my lifeline (no fancy scripture today, kids)

2006-09-25T22:36:00.000-05:00

amidst a rather hefty schedule, God has managed to fill me with much peace and joy. i can't be more thankful for my church family back home. i knew the body of Christ was an amazing community, but i guess i never realized the benefits of growing close to those in ministries other than my own. seriously. God has definately blessed me tremendously with friends who are just as eager to hear what God has been doing on this campus as i am to hear what God's throwin down at theirs. i have never found so much comfort in such friendship before. maybe i'm just behind or something. it's only been since this summer that i've had a passion to hear what God's doing in other's lives, and it's only been since this summer that i've not been able to contain myself when talking about all God has begun in my life. it's a crazy thing that passion for God's heart. crazy.
i took a four hour prayer slot back home during a weekend stretch of 24-7 prayer - something i was almost reluctant to do given: a) it was from 3-7am and b) i had pulled an all-nighter only a couple nights prior. however, it was the most encouraging and peace-filled night of my month, i'm pretty sure.
i can't even begin to describe. i long so much for corporate (even on a small scale) prayer out here. it's my lifeline. i've been so encouraged by the prayer gatherings that todd has begun, and eagerly look forward to their growth. and. i can't even begin to express my excitement for the prayer room. gosh. i don't know why i'm so fueled by this. maybe. just maybe. it's because prayer was what brought me to life. ten years of wilderness. ten years of fruitlessness. ten years of religion. and finally....God drove me to such desperation and longing that prayer was the ONLY response. i couldn't stand my life and the fact that it had amounted to nothing. i so much wanted to do the right things, but i missed the point. wanting to do the right things is quite a bit different than desiring your heart to match God's and wanting a life that is profitable in His eyes. i could only attain that through MUCH prayer and seeking. day after day i prayed the same thing. over. and over. and over. not getting bored, but with each day, becoming more desperate and more determined. my life HAD to change. there was no question. and petitioning God to show me "what" and "how" was the ONLY way for it to happen.
maybe that's why i'm so obsessed with prayer, and - coupled with my other-orientedness and insane love for being around people (hah!) - maybe that's why corporate prayer speaks volumes to me. it's the world to hear those who minister along side you crying out to God for the same things you long to see him do on this campus. but alas, despite all my passionate words and pictures, i can't envoke this desire in anyone but myself. i would give anything to have long talks with people about all God is doing and to pray with people over ministries...even outside of my own. i don't want to go around talking sorority and campus church all the time with no answer of anyone else's ministries and passions in return. goodness. does anyone feel me?
hah. i should definatley be studying for a sociology exam right now...

faithful encouragement

2006-09-08T09:21:00.000-05:00

i am ridiculously excited about the week's recent events. God has continuously given me much hope for the soon-to-come greek ministry. yesterday, as i was about to talk to one of my sorority sisters, emily, about what she was thinking for this ministry, one of our sisters that i ate lunch with that day came in and asked us to give her a little "relaxation prayer" (cute!) because she's been so stressed out this week with recruitment and her classes. she was also pretty upset about a negative remark she had overheard someone make, and was wanting prayer for that as well. emily and i were (happily) floored by this opportunity.
let me just say, i love this girl so much, and God has placed me in her life quite a bit this semester. for some reason, the topic of bsu and what i do there seems to come up between her and i quite a bit, and we have been around each other an aweful lot lately. God is definately doing a work in her.
after emily and i got done praying for her, she was in tears. she was like, "guys, i'm so sorry. i haven't cried in a while. it's all dripping down my leg and stuff. gosh. but thanks. " haha. seriously though, it was so amazing to see her excitement in having us pray for her and how much it really comforted her to hear that we cared and that, more importantly, God cared. i just find it so amazing that she went to God (even be it through us) to calm her stress and heal her wounded heart. talk about God encouraging us in this ministry!

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...all the people see his glory...confounded be all they that serve graven images, that boast themsleves of idols...light is sown (light dawns) for the righteous, and gladness for the upright in heart. rejoice in the Lord, ye righteous; and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness. psalm 97

Light is being sown, it's dawning for the righteous here. we are seeing God work in the lives of those who don't know Him, and we are seeing door afer door open in the direction of greek ministry. people's eyes are being opened to Him in all His glory. all i can do is sit here in gladness, rejoicing for all He is beginning to do. God is definately working in greeks' hearts - in my sister's as well as many others. i pray we keep our focus on His mission and become prayer warriors for those He is fighting to reach.

Lord, give us direction and strength to faithfully call upon Your power. these brothers and sisters of mine need You. help us to daily petition Your movement. You desire to come where You're invited. let us constantly invite You into the lives of greeks and students on campus in general. we have waited so long, Lord. i am so very greatful to be a part of the movement You have begun this year. let revival spread like a wildfire among this "party town," our wet campus. make Your name known in a most lowly and lost place. we are known for our hard drinking and our continuous partying, and, Lord, You choose the foolish in this world to shame the wise; You choose the weak to shame the strong. You love to work in places where only Your hand is seen and no credit can be given to any other name. take hold of this city, Lord, and these students. their stories would be a wonderful display of Your glory and majesty. i can't wait to watch. continue Your work, Lord, and i thank You so much for the encouragement You've given me to continue. help me to daily seek Your face and Your presence.

"he that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him." psalm 126:6

"and david enquired of the Lord, saying, shall i go up to the philistines? wilt thou deliver them into mine hand? and the Lord said unto david, go up: for i will doubtless deliver the philistines into thine hand." 2 samuel 5:19

the path

2006-08-28T21:02:00.000-05:00

man i feel ridiculous, but i guess i can breathe a sigh of relief...

at the beginning of this weekend i was getting pretty desperately frustrated. i wanted so badly to know what God wanted me to do with my weekends. i really felt that He wasn't too keen on my going back to kansas city every single weekend, missing opportunities with people when they actually have free time. however, i had no idea what staying in town meant in His mind. what did it look like? i was getting no answers and grew more distraught by the moment. i decided to go home for the weekend to help me de-stress from the first week of school and kind of have some time to focus on what God might be wanting for this year (as far as weekends are concerned).
coming home, in some ways, was a certain breath of fresh air. i have such a loving church family back there that cares about warrensburg and what God is doing up here. i am so thankful for everyone. and on sunday, after a nice weekend home, God opened my eyes to something interestingly profound. i feel like such a fool now that i've come to this realization, and i'm sure many have grasped it before me, but God really gave such great peace and mercy through it.

to focus on myself is to miss God's plan and intentions for my life.
when it's "all about you," what difference does your life make? you're dead. it's all about Christ. what is His heart? what is He excited about? find His heart where you're at.

in all my frustration, even though the general idea was "God, what do You want?" the focus of "for me" was added on the end of that every time. not that i shouldn't ask what God wants for my life personally, but i have been doing that since the beginning of this summer. this sunday, God opened my eyes to His grace and freedom. find My heart wherever you're at. His heart is everywhere. He has a heart and vision for kansas city. He has a heart and vision for warrensburg. to Him, it doesn't matter which ministry i am involved in; either way, i am sharing and plugging into His heart and passions. however, since i'm in warrensburg, why not "find His heart where i'm at". and what has He been doing this summer but giving me a general vision and burden for the things He wants this year at cmsu! this is when the profound epiphany came.
i still cannot stop smiling at how ridiculous i must have seemed to Him. such a child i am. hah. maybe it's okay to ask "God, what do You want?" and just stop there! this whole time i've been so frustrated to tears just wanting to please Him down to the tiniest detail. i was following the "straight and narrow," if you will, but i was genuinely to tears asking God which part of the path - which perfect "alison size 6 shoe spot" - i should tread to do what He wills. God just looked down at me and tried to hold back chuckles as He said:

alison, it's all My will! that whole path, it leads to Me. you can walk on it anywhere you like! that's freedom in Christ! I have given you this whole path. yes, it may be narrow, but you have all of it to freely tread on.

that's when i realized, as long as i plug into God's general heart for this campus and city, He will take care to direct me even further if it's needed. for now, all of it is okay! all of it.
we have godly passions for a reason. i believe they are little pieces of His heart that we each, differently, take to present ourselves a full and complete community that depicts His entire heart. there are parts that we all have, but there are many parts that are divvied up, if you will, depending on the desires He's given us as individuals. how amazing. what freedom! i am so glad that my God is so loving and gracious.

the mustard seed

2006-08-19T08:42:00.000-05:00

so i went to this bible study a couple of nights ago. nothing else was going on, so i figured it a good use of my time. but i think i underestimated God's moving and purpose. it was so random for me to go to that, but God specifically placed me there that night to put a voice, words, form to the passions He has recently given me.

i sat last night hardly unable to talk. i had just finished reading a book that has, i believe, fueled an entire transformation in my life from the beginning of this summer to present. God, in the most random series of events has pieced together a huge chunk of His heart for this year inside of me.

---------

what i wanted - what i want - is you. to know beyond doubt that i am seizing the moment, sucking the marrow from each day, right at the center of your plan...so i've got nowhere left to go, but to get down on my knees and wait for you to speak.

"there is no other place where the heart should be so free as before the mercy seat. there, you can talk out your very soul, for that is the best prayer that you can present. do not ask for what some tell you that you should ask for, but for that which you feel the need of, that which the Holy Spirit has made you to hunger and to thirst for, you ask for that."
- c.h. spurgeon -

...intercession is impossible unto we allow the things that break God's heart to break our hearts as well...

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i had a passion - the above. i wanted nothing more than that, but i just didn't know what God's heart was exactly or how to get there. i just knew i wanted it, so i began to pray. first, God took me to new york. He showed me that in each place of ministry, in every country, in every state, every city, every borough, He had a plan and a heart. He fueled larry with His heart for the fulani and arabic immigrants of brooklyn and queens. wherever God places You, He is powerful enough and faithful enough to piece together His heart for that area inside of You. while i was in new york, He did that. not because that's where He wanted me to start ministering, but because He wanted to make a point: where fervent prayer and serving is, going, doing in His name, He will bless it...with a glimpse of His heart. at the beginning of the trip, i just wanted to know God's heart for what i was doing back home. at the end, God showed me that His heart comes through prayer, serving, and action - waiting on His word but not waiting. as my pastor said a couple weeks ago to our group of counselors at high school camp, waiting in the sense of a waiter or waitress. serving in God's silence with great anticipation for His word.

with this in mind, slowly but surely God began to reveal His heart for this year to me in the context of my own life and ministry.

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do you want to look for my fullness?
do you want to make history with me?
do you want to count for my Kingdom?
do you want tosee miracles and stand for justice?
do you want to see reconciliation and people set free?
do you want to see nations transformed by the power of prayer?

then come follow me,
and i will show you where to go.
it's not to the platform and the spot-lit speaker.
it's not to the conference, the meeting or the camp.

come with me to the darkest places
come to the hurting, the howling, hollow faces,
come with me to the addicted, convicted and caught
come with your light, run with your salt,
come to the sorrow; the suicide tree
come to the stable
come follow me.

"we are the light of the world, but no one wants to stare at the bulb. we are the salt of the earth, but a whole plate of the stuff will make you sick. the people of God are called to scatter and mix, to mingle and move, to influence from a position of weakness, like a small child in a large family, like yeast in a loaf, like a mustard seed beneath a pavement."

"and he said, whereunto shall we liken the kingdom of God? or with what comparison shall we compare it? it is like a grain of mustard seed, which, when it is sown in the earth, is less than all the seeds that be in the earth: but when it is sown, it groweth up, and becometh greater than all herbs, and shooteth out great branches; so that the fowls of the air may lodge under the shadow of it."
- mark 4:30-32 -

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and there it is. as i read that yesterday, i felt like i had just passed the incline of the highest hill on a roller coaster and was now going down, fast. not only did i feel like these two excerpts were direct hits at the ministry God had led me to with my sorority sisters, but there at the end, only a day after we had the bible study, God had set it right in front of my face making a point out of all my indescribable feelings.

each one of us is a mustard seed in God's plan. at each place we are serving, He has an intricatly vast and mind-blowing plan to fulfill. as the seed, we are an intrical part, but the smallest, humblest part - necessary yet feeble. God infuses us with the dna of His plan and desires, most of which we are blinded to that we may constantly assume our position of humility and desperation for Him. then, through us, He carries out His divine plan. a plan that we help with but have no control over. He gives us pieces of His heart and sets them into action through us, but as the picture grows bigger, we realize that what He has done is so much more immaculate than we could have ever imagined, and we would be seriously mistaken to think the whole result could have been anything that sprouted from our own doing.

as God sends me into this year, here is a revised explaination of His heart in me, my mindset. i know that God has an amazingly vast and mind-blowing plan, and for some reason He has picked this year and ordained dave and i to start one of the many branches. i can hardly fathom this concept. it just brings me to awe at God's glorious majesty and power.

and then, as if that wasn't enough, God of course had to answer my question to complete the picture. what are the birds? the birds that find refuge in the shade of these branches, this Kingdom that God builds here on earth. as i saw the purpose and heart of 24-7 unfolding in this book, God threw this at me:

---------

God began to make it clear that He was calling us to establish...redemptive communities at the heart of people-groups.
live and pray among the lost in such a way as to journey with them into the likeness of Christ together.

---------

now cmsu, and more specifically in my case, the greeks, are not people-groups persay. however, these ministries we are beginning, the community that we have and the sub-communities that we are forming are, among many other purposes and responsibilities, redemptive communities, places of refuge - peaceful yet mighty. they are alluring in their protection and difference from the world the Enemy and our flesh has created. the birds in my case are the greeks who are seeking. maybe not every one of them, but the ones who are seeking something more appealing than this life. God's desire, i'm thinking, is to use this ministry as a light and a refuge to them. a place some will desire to go and will, through coming to us in that manner, understand and be shown who Christ is. i know that the concept in and of itself is pretty...duh!...but this particular illustration paints it a little bit differently in my heart, i guess.

so i wrote all of the above this morning before our first day of the bsu retreat and it's funny how the entire thing was conveyed and talked about throught our whole time together. during our prayer walk this morning i couldn't help but marvel at how God had in so many different ways and fashions given us all, as a bsu community, the same hearts and mindset about ministry this year. He truely is an amazing God. i am so very excited for all that He has in store.

reverencing the power

2006-08-13T18:13:00.000-05:00

God has done so much in me, i don't even know how to explain it all to people anymore. my friend adam is trying to convince me to write a book. i told him the project would surely result in a series of novels just to describe this summer. ha!

over this past year, God has successfully answered my prayers for His wisdom and understanding, showing me as much of the bigger picture as possible and slowly piecing together His will for my life...right in front of my eyes. the questions i'm currently posing:

why has Jesus brought me through the course of this summer's events?
why has He taken away everything comfortable?
why has he instilled in me a fear for Him so great that passionate prayer has become my only logical response to it?

i love that God always has a plan and purpose, and i love that He is ever willing to lead me to it. looking back on my summer, God has fully prepared my heart for His plan. Jesus is continuously giving me all the tools and means necessary to fulfil His will. that's a given. the question is, will i rise to the occasion?

i am the Lord thy God, which brought thee out of the land of egypt: open thy mouth wide, and i will fill it.
- psalm 81:10 -

i have spent the past few weeks in a serious search for God's heart in the context of this year at cmsu. two weeks ago i was with our high school group at youthfront south, and it never fails. every year, camp forces me into a serious and continuous desperation for God's presence and direction - a place i struggle to get in my daily life but seem to find most easily at camp. but this time, God moved like never before.

these hands are Yours; teach them to serve as You please,
and i'll reach out, desperate to see Your greatness, o God.
show me Your heart. show me Your way. show me Your glory...
i walk in the light in victorious sight of You.

i have full confidence He will overcome, He will move, He will bless, He will guide us this year at cms. my whole heart is in this ministry dave and i are starting. it seriously is. i am confident that if i am faithful in doing my part, God will bless beyond comprehension. but first, He had to take me to oriented times zero...

Lord, all my desire is before thee; and my groaning is not hid from thee. my heart panteth, my strength faileth me: in thee, o Lord, do i hope: thou wilt hear, o Lord my God. for the Enemy is lively, and he is strong:
- psalm 38:9-10,15,19 -

zero is brokenness, humbleness, surrender.
zero is full sacrifice, coming to God empty of self .
where is zero?
luke 7:37-48 - falling down at the feet of Jesus, washing his feet with your tears, becoming humbly undignified, willing to humiliate yourself in exchange for his touch, his glory, his presence.
where is zero?
mark 10:46-52 - zero cries out in desperation for a chance to see the unseen.

am i willing to be broken and spilled out for my Savior...as he was broken and spilled out for me? is it too much?

the Lord will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, o Lord, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.
- psalm 138:8 -

i can't begin to explain what God has shown me this summer, namely what he showed me two weeks ago. however, i really can't help but try...

imagine a community of believers, hurting and desperate, long overdue for God's presence and righteous judgement. as they come together hoping to be beaten over the head by some sermon that will force them to reconcile, they are shown Christ's presence and hand in a life fully and dangerously lived. it wasn't what they expected. their hearts yearn for freedom from all the baggage they have been reluctant to deal with. as many secretly cry out in frustration, the leader stands. tonight is God's. he is moving. and the only way to let him move freely is for me to stand back and give up control. music begins, lights are off. fire, fall down. fire, fall down on us we pray, as we seek You, Lord. it is their corporate prayer for literally an hour and a half. one by one the crowd's shape changes, two-thirds of the believers lay prostrate, tears streaming down their face. another much smaller group sits or stands, hands raised, belting out their heart cries to the Lord of hosts: show me Your heart. show me Your way. show me Your glory. as the hours pass, God continues moving - each heart touched, each life shaken. a slow stream of people begin to flow among the body of believers. they mull about passionate and solemn. from one to the next they beg God to do a work in specific peoples' lives, many of whom they have never seen before that night. the hardest hearts, broken. every person communes with their Savior in whatever way touches most their current situation. and at this same time of personal intimacy, a community is forged. a strong city of believers for whom there is no match...because they are God's. four hours later, it is finished.

and what of this city, this community? picture it, if you will, as mount zion.

beautfiul for situation is mount zion, the city of the great King. God is known in her palaces for a refuge. For, lo, the kings saw it, and so they marvelled; they were troubled, and hasted away. fear took hold upon them there, and pain as a woman in travail. as we have heard, so have we seen in the city of the Lord of hosts, in the city of our God: God will establish it forever. selah. we have thought of thy lovingkindness, o God, in the midst of thy temple. let mount zion rejoice, let the daughters of judah be glad, because of thy judgements.
walk about zion, and go round about her: tell the towers thereof. mark ye well her bullwarks, consider her palaces; that ye may tell it to the generation following. for this is God our God for ever and ever: he will be our guide even unto death.
- psalm 48 -

Lord, beautiful for situation is this city of believers you have formed! You are known in our "space" as a refuge. those who don't yet know you marvel at the rest who do. they are troubled and run away in fear - fear of You, of Your glory, of Your unmistakable power in this place. they cry out in pain. they cannot bear the sight of Your glorious presence here, because they do not know or understand it. all we have heard of, Lord, all Your promises, Your faithfulness, Your power, the powerful tenacity of the Enemy, have we seen, Lord God, in this place. You will establish this city forever. we have meditated on Your lovingkindness here. we have seen You break down...and restore anew. let us rejoice in Your great judgements.
help us to take in this city of believers, Lord, this "space." let us mark Your workings, the strong towers, warriors, You've formed. let us walk around and soak in the works of Your hand in this place, that we might be a witness to the following generation like jeff adams has witnessed to us. for THIS is God, OUR God, our guide, even unto death.

like i said before, i can't even begin to explain, but i pray that as you read this, your eyes are opened to the power of God and His willingness to visit those who desperately seek Him. as i come into this school year, this is the situation that sticks in my mind. this is the God i call upon daily. this is the God i picture when i call on his presence. this is the God whose will i want fulfilled on our campus.

beginning from end

2006-07-14T14:31:00.000-05:00

i'm sitting at home washing the laundry, enjoying the a/c and 90 degree weather; thus marks my last post for this blog. three postings is by no means faithful, but considering how thourough they were and how many people have read them, i'm sure this blog served its purpose.
i think if i could summarize what i haved learned from this experience into one general idea, i would have to say it was : understanding the leading of the Spirit. i think those of us who have grown up in the church oftentimes need an experience away from everything we've ever known in order to take that next drastic step of growth. at least, that's how it worked for me. through leaving everything i've ever known, i've understood everything i've ever tried to learn. i've had a few experiences like this at camp, as well. once you get away from everything that is a catalyst to you, your box, God begins to shift what you've learned about Him - and what you've learned from His Word - from your head...to your heart.
i have finally began to grasp God's voice. over this past year and certainly through the experience of this trip, one by one God has stripped away my fears to leave me vulnerably useful for His glory. my fear of judgement. my fear of being wrong, letting God down. my fear of not being where i'm "supposed to be." my fear of pride. my fear of the unkown. God has called each one out, separately, and worked me through them until they were no longer. then, He said it was time - time to start revealing why He created me. with all these fears stripped away, my comfort zone gone, i had nothing left. in this moment, God had every opportunity to work in whatever way he chose.
he started by sharing His heart. first, before this trip, it had become a heart for the ministries he desired my involvement in on campus: delta zeta, bsu, honors college. during the trip it became people. i know that sounds extremely vauge. i know how to love others and it's my personality to put others before myself more often than not. however, God proved to me that no matter where He sends me, how much it doesn't fit with my personality type or preference, or how naturally untalented i am at the tasks i'm asked to perform, He can give me His heart for the nations i am reaching.
i was so torn when i left. for the life of me, i will never understand why the wonderful people you meet in ministry are only able to be in your life for such a short time before they're gone forever as you are all lead to follow Christ in separate diretions. i will greatly miss my brothers and sisters i have left there (who will soon be leaving as well). even more so, i will greatly miss those who Christ is beginning to work in at the african friendship center, arabic friendship center, and upgrade camp. its' so bizzare to leave the work unfinished, but i guess we can't all be reapers in harvest.
God has successfully given me His heart for the nations. He has successfully stirred up a passion in my heart for those He yearns to know and have. i couldn't have more answered prayers; they are so bittersweet when you look at them in the here and now, but how wonderful they are when you realize God is keeping every request you have made to Him - that matches His heart - and is slowly but surely answering them all. you then realize that salvation is here. they that sow in tears shall reap in joy. he that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him. it's only a matter of His timing. God will bless the ministry He has begun through urban impact and all its missionaries.
i'm excited to be back, excited to apply what i've learned and to follow God's leading into ministry both at my school and at kcbt. jr. high camp starts this monday, high school camp two weeks after that. i am so thankful for the opportunity to minister to these kids in one of the most spiritually receptive times in their lives. especially after all God has taught me and proved of Himself to me. i have so much to offer just through my experiences this summer. God has stripped me down to nothing. i am by no means perfect, but He has the most room to work through me now that He has ever had. i know He will be faithful to take hold of that opportunity. i can only pray with all my heart that i continue to grow forward and to understand where His Spirit is leading me. what an interesting journey i've finally begun, and i can't wait to see that journey continue (or begin!) in others.

the Lord doth build up jerusalem: he gathereth together the outcasts of israel. he healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds. he telleth the number of the stars; he calleth them all by their names. great is our Lord, and of great power: his understanding is infinite.
sing unto the Lord with thanksgiving; sing praise upon the harp unto our God:
he giveth to the beast his food, and to the young ravens which cry. he delighteth not in the strength of the horse: he taketh not pleasure in the legs of a man. the Lord taketh pleasure in them that fear him, in those that hope in his mercy. praise the Lord, o jerusalem; praise thy God, o zion. for he hath strengthened the bars of thy gates; he hath blessed thy children within thee. he maketh peace in thy borders, and filleth thee with the finest of the wheat. he sendeth forth his commandment upon earth: his word runneth very swiftly.
he sendeth out his word, and melteth them:
praise ye the Lord.

oh. i stole as many pictures and possible and have uploaded all my own. haha. enjoy!

life's shifting

2006-06-28T10:05:00.000-05:00

ahhh! it's already been a week since i've last posted, and i only have two weeks left before i'm back home hurridly washing all my clothes only to pack them up again for junior high camp. crazy. ministry here has been going very well. we are finally starting to build some deeper friendships with our esl students and not just play those "teacher" and "student" roles. it is so amazing to see all God has been doing. for exampl, like i said, we teach esl at our african friendship center twice a week. however, one of those two times, when we teach the men, we go to the pulaar center (which is a meeting place for those of the fulani tribe - they speak pulaar). the interesting thing about it i guess is that somewhere around a year ago when this esl ministry to the west africans was started, those who ran the pulaar center were very wary of letting us Christians come in a teach things; therefore, we could only teach the men and were limited to one day a week (that's why we do the rest at our center. haha). but, amazingly enough, as God has been working in their hearts and lives through this ministry, the pulaar center's leadership has completely 180-ed their opinion of our work! they have asked for more class days to be added and for us to have things in that location for women and children as well. how amazing God is! in only one year's time to drastically change hearts like that...gosh. we haven't started doing the extra day(s) yet, but it is so exciting to see that despite the enemy's workings, God is reigning in victory over the fight for these people's lives. and if that isn't enough, the bible discussion (old testament of course) that we hold at men's wednesday night esl has become a cherished dialogue for these people, their hearts slowly turning. it is a beautiful thing to see, hear about, and certainly to be a part of. God's beginnings of a crazily fruitful and impacting ministry are certainly in plain view.
oh, and on that note, this ministry will be featured in the city section of the ny times in an article explaining why young people from all over the country are travelling to nyc for ministry purposes. i'm excited that even if it isn't widely received (and even though it'll be in an obscure part of the paper...hah!), God's movement in this area will not go unseen or unheard of. if anything, it will be interesting to see the impact we have made on this reporter's life. haha.
anyways, aside from esl, we're all pretty riled up here for the 6-week childrens camp, Upgrade, that we are beginning on july 5th. we have begun passing out flyers and have seen an extremly positive response. when parents hear about a 6-week educational summer program for only 50 dollars out here, they pretty much hand you the money immediately. haha. summer school is soooo expensive so a chance for their children to learn (and have fun) for that cheap is like...almost a scam. it's very fortunate that God's made a way for us to offer such a program. these kids need His tender and gentle love so much in this rough area of brooklyn. i can't wait to see all He does in their lives. i know God is and will be working because satan has already begun his mess. these kids are living in a neighborhood that, in the past week alone, has had a wave of deadly crime - all on the blocks surrounding the african friendship center (where the camp will be held). tell me that's not "coincidence". God is certainly about to do an amazing work around here. satan wouldn't be creating such distruction in our area if this wasn't the case. so please, be in prayer for these kids that despite all the constant violence and death in their neighborhood enticing them to shut down and have a "no mercy" mentality, God's merciful, gentle, and unconditional love would shine through and pierce their hearts.

deliver the poor and needy: rid them out of the hand of the wicked. they know not, neither will they understand; they walk on in darkness:

many sorrows shall be to the wicked: but he that trusteth in the Lord, mercy shall compass him about.

i guess this is currently where my heart falls. it would be so revolutionary - kids that haven't seen hardly any love at all seeing and understanding God's unconditional love. i am really praying that it would happen in the lives of those attending Upgrade.

as far as what God's doing in me personally as i'm up here...well...it's a lot. i know that i've been placed in this ministry up here for a reason and i'm beginning to seek out why. what does God have for me in the future when i get back? i know without a doubt that i am not called to nyc (at least no time soon), and i know that i have three years of schooling left in warrensburg, missouri. what am i to do with those three years and where am i to do any of it? i have that question answered as far as school ministry is concerned, but what about church-wise? so here we go. i'll give you the jumble of events, and you pray that they are ordered to reveal God's will correctly. haha. i'm serious, though...
first of all, i find myself in a frustrating situation when it comes to ministry back home in the college class and jr. high class at kcbt. that is, it's hard to plug in when you're not around. haha. the youth ministry that jim is the head of is all about relationship building and mentorships - things i am finding to be extremely difficult for me to do at kcbt during the school year. i have my sorority girls and those at the bsu to minister to during the school year. those are the relationships God has pretty much sat directly in my lap to build - the easiest. however, i have a big passion for all God is doing through our church and do not have any desire to leave (nor have a felt any pulling in that direction). but, i can't seem to stop feeling this...friction, i guess. like in my spirit. things just aren't clicking. i know that ministry is work but where's the line between "work" and "just not workin for ya". you know? is God calling me somewhere else? and how far "else" is it? haha. seriously though. so i begin thinking. alright. i'm not suppsed to leave warrensburg for sure. that one's checked out. okay. and i'm not supposed to leave kcbt for sure. that's for certain, as far as i've been able to tell. i have not found any other churches around me that i am completely in to what they're doing. so. here i am. i certainly am excited for all that is going on in the jr. high, high school and college classes, but why does it seem i can't get involved? i'm trying, for sure. but doors are not opening - just this constant friction of trying for something that it almost seems...isn't what God is wanting. you know what i mean? working against the grain. that's how it's beginning to feel at least. so is it? if yes, then comes the possibility of being a part of another ministry. impossible for me to fathom. even though God seems to be leading me away from everything i'm familiar with in all other areas of my life, i just can't see it...or at least don't want to see it. but here comes the news that has kind of thrown my whole logic for a loop.
sam came up with my parents and a guy, chris, from our church, for the brooklyn tabernacle conference this week. as i was sharing with him all we're doing here and was hearing about midtown and all God's got in store there, old passions i had kind of suppressed began surfacing. hah.
i've had a passion for midtown ever since the ministry began. (you can ask derek neufeld. haha) after all, i was in checkpoint for a good number of months before it started, so my fire was kind of fueled for it i guess, thanks to sam. haha. ever since it then i have said, "as soon as i'm out of college, this is what i want to be a part of". and i even was a part of midtown for a couple months of last summer, before the school year began. so recently, through a series of events i have found myself wondering, what are the reasons why i'm not there now, again? well, back last summer as i had to make a decision on what to be a part of ministry-wise, i kind of let midtown go. i'm younger than everyone else there, and only like two people i'm friends with are a part of it. stupid. but you know, that's how you think in "high school mode". haha. then the main reason, of course, is the hour difference between where midtown lies and where warrensburg, missouri was established. haha. but that's basically all. still, i don't know if that's enough to change my heart yet. then, i came upon some crazy news. four girls i have grown up with almost my whole life have gotten saved very recently through that ministry. i dont' know any of them super closely, by any means, because i was very stand-offish all through my schooling before college. however, i know them. and i know they know me. and they're now new christians on fire for what God's doing. how crazy is that?! so...i'm beginning to be swayed now. haha. a college group in the midtown ministry has kind of just popped up over night and now he's getting some studies and the old s.o.t. material out again to start something for them. what? now i would have a place. my being younger than everyone excuse and my only having two friends there excuse have been kind of chucked out the window now. hah. i would have a place in the ministry if i moved there now.
on top of all this, sam's getting ready to start an after-school children's ministry for the kids that live in the city pretty soon. sound familiar? yeah. i'm a part of the same thing here. midtown has come in contact with a lot of internationals considering their location and the fact that umkc is a very nationally diverse school. i certainly have the international people stuff covered up here. haha. (and have my whole live...i grew up around umkc's international ministry, thanks to my dad). but still. i'm in warrensburg. so now i'm back to square one.
is there any way i can get involved in midtown in a more effective and fulfilling way than in the youth ministry at the point? or will i find myself a couple months down the line in this same position again?
i guess my cry to God right now is an answer in terms of ministry involvement back home. what ministry does he want me to be a part of? no cencors or automatic rule-outs are occurring this time. throw age ranges and life stage-specific classes out the window. i just want to be placed in His will. where do You have me, Lord?!
i know i can't convey to anyone the heart i have for a lot of things. the heart i have for kids. the heart i have for people my age. the heart for a ministry that makes an impact in a community. but i do need direction. so even if through all of this reading you can't fully grasp my heart, please if you do anything else for me as i am about to come back to kansas city, pray that i may be placed in the ministry God has created and prepared me for at this time.

for this shall every one that is godly pray unto thee in a time when thou mayest be found:

i will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: i will guide thee with mine eye. be ye not as the horse, or as the mule, which have no understanding:

unto thee will i cry, o Lord my rock; be not slient to me: lest, if thou be silent to me, i become like them that go down into the pit. hear the voice of my supplications, when i cry unto thee, when i lift up my hands toward thy holy oracle.

p.s. you all are seriously heros for reading this stuff. haha. i love that our hearts are knit together with a passion for what God is doing in others' lives and in the kcbt community. like i said before, if anything is going on with you that you want to share with someone who will be full of as much excitement for your experiences as you will, talk to me. i'm serious. i specialize in being excited about things. haha. for serious.

here are some pictures from the trip. i know i have like...none, but trust me, i'm taking a lot these last two weeks to show you everything. haha. so yeah.

-alison

the first two weeks

2006-06-17T13:58:00.000-05:00

i've finally found a day off from ministry and sightseeing to update everyone on my side of this experience! haha. God's been doing more in my heart and life right now than you could possibly imagine. it takes all of me to sit here and explain everything out because i'm pretty sure no one wants to read a novel, but...if you are interested and have an hour or so (hah!)...here it is:

the days have seriously flown by since we've been here - so much to do and see. all of us girls except for those who are permanently living and ministering here live in a wayyyy cute three story old house in the woodhaven area of queens. our street (and neighborhood) is far from typical new york, but hey, i'm not complaining. it's cute, safe, quiet and spacious. we have a park a block to our left and a main strip of small stores and restaurants a block to our right. wonderful.
i have met so many wonderful people who are so on fire - actively seeking God's will for their life and following Him wherever His Spirit leads them. it is such an amazing difference. growing up in church and coming from such a fundamental background, it has taken me a long time to understand how to listen and respond to God's Spirit moving within you. so many of those i am ministering with came here completely on their own. they found urban impact either on the internet or by chance, feeling that God was leading them to new york but not knowing exactly where or how to serve. this whole concept is so foreign to me. you mean, God just called you one day, you searched out different ministries, He revealed the one He wanted you to serve with, and you just like...went?! ridiculous. or not really.
i became so envious of those stories. then i realized, God had worked the same in my life; i had just fought it the whole way here and not embraced it. when jason (our leader at BSU) started speaking about this trip to new york city, something inside of me was seriously having a hay day. hah! i felt this yearning, a pull to go. i was intrigued by this trip that was outside of kcbt, for longer than i would ever agree to, doing things i would never be comfortable/enjoy doing (so i thought). but as soon all that desire to go came, so did my flesh. i am totally not going. not. going. and here i am. through my talks with page (one of the interns at BSU who basically changed my life forever...love her) i came to understand how to identify and follow God's calling in my life. if God's Spirit gives you a desire to go somewhere for His glory and His work, don't fight it or even try to rationalize it...embrace it and go for it! please tell me it was a hard concept for you to learn, too. haha!
right at the beginning of my frehsman year of college i began to pray ever day for God to do absolutely whatever had to be done so that He could fulfill His perfect will in my life. i wanted to find out why i specifically was put on this earth - what He wants me to do and where. i'll do anything, He just has to guide me. ever since then, God has been completely tearing my life apart and stripping away all the things that have been solid in my life - friendships, relationships, my church, where i live, what i'm involved in, even random things about how i "knew" my future would go and whatnot. it would take forever to fill anyone in on that, but just know...God's been compeltely rennovating me (hah!).
as i arrived here from kc, i knew that God was going to speak to me mightily on this trip. i knew He was going to give me a significant amount of wisdom for growth and was going to start directing my heart in the direction He desired it to be for the rest of my life ministry-wise. however, this process (even only two weeks in) has been the craziest thing i have ever endured.
before i left, i had tons of opposition from the enemy. i'm not even kidding. it was unreal. i have never followed the Spirit's leading like this before so i never had a significant amount of spiritual warfare in my life until just now. it's some crazy stuff. thankfully, as i prayed for eyes to see what God was doing in my life as He was doing it, God faithfully and mercifully allowed me to identify each trial as it was happening (even if i did...every time...have trouble doing the right thing and overcoming it). once i got to nyc i figured, yesss! all those trials and distractions are gone and it will be smooth sailing to figuring everything out. hah! it is a fight for any alone time with God over here, let me tell ya, and that began taking its toll on me pretty much immediately. each time i had to cut it shorter, i had twice as crappy of a day. we are on the go all day long and if we aren't ministering or traveling, we're sight-seeing. all my same distractions followed me here! in general, i don't spend as much alone time with God as i know i should (and even focusing on and preparing for ministry as i should) because i am so intrigued by "doing fun things" and "not missing out on the event of the year" (which i know would totally happen the one time i decided against going and doing something fun with the group). i was so frustrated. however, i kept begging God to keep hold of my heart and to help me sort through all of this confusion and frustration. as i had some talks with chris, my newfound fashion twin brooke, and the amazing lisa, God began to slowly bring His plan back in to view...
like i have been saying, we do pretty much non-stop ministry here. one of our main activities is teaching ESL to international imigrants. we teach two nights a week at the african friendship center that we opened up in brooklyn and each of us girls take turns teaching two mornings a week at the arabic friendship center. recently, we have begun scouting out personal students in the jackson heights (south asian) area of queens. to tell you the truth, i had little desire to teach ESL. i was mainly wanting to work with children, sing and do some administrative work. however, that was my plan. and yeah. you think i'd have recognized the pattern by now. shame on me for thinking i could cling to the familiar and comfortable when in every area of my life God's been steadily taking all that away and replacing it with humility and vulnerability. don't get me wrong, i get to do all of the above things i was wanting, but in very small amounts. they're my gifts after all, God wouldn't just not use them, but that's not the point of this trip. so anyways, ESL. i teach next to brooke, future elementary school teacher, and megan, speach pathology major, and i come away wondering why i'm even here in new york. everyone seems to have their place, and i am just random. i'm not an artist, so i can't do any of the artwork they need done around here. i'm not going to be a teacher, so ESL and the kids' summer camp (to get them caught up to their grade level by the end of summer) are not going to be my fortes either. i'm not an unpassive leader (or a guy), so the whole leading a youth group thing isn't going to be my gig; i'm not a degree-holding music major, so i'm certainly not going to be helping lead any praise. however, slowly but surely, Christ revealed to me my purpose.

in God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. selah.
God hath spoken once; twice have i heard this; that power belongeth unto God. also unto thee, o Lord, belongeth mercy: for thou renderest to every man according to his work.

as i began pouring my heart out to God in prayer, searching for my purpose and clinging on to, well...at least as long as i keep serving You You'll bless me - God began to turn my thinking around. what if your purpose is to simply do what you are told to do regardless of how good or bad you are at it, regardless of your lack of heart for it?

God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty;
and base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are:
that no flesh should glory in his presence.
but of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption:
that, according as it is written, he that glorieth, let him glory in the Lord.

what if i want you in a place where no one can say the work you do is of yourself? it's of Me and only Me. i finally realized, this trip is going to be about me giving the things i've never tried - or am the worst at - my best for Christ, because in doing that, people will see Him so much better in me than if i was doing something i was good at and desired to do. Christ has begun to give me an understanding of true selfless ministry. it's so easy to get caught up in yourself, after all. like it was put to us one year at high school camp: selfishness is the root to all sin. it is. every time we fall it's because we are focusing inwardly and not outwardly.
so to begin to wrap this subject up, we have been teaching ESL like nobody's business, and what do you know, God's given me his heart. He's began a passion in me to the point of tears for these women i've been teaching. this is the first year that's happened to me, by the way. i have never had a passion for lost people to the point of tears until God gave me a heart for my sorority girls. i love them with more than just my heart. I love them with the passion of Christ's heart, as i am beginning to love these women i'm teaching ESL. these internationals are just as precious to God's heart as any other person and they often get overlooked. we all want to be missionaries either to white suburbia in another state, to those of our own heratige somewhere or to some foreign country out there, but so many of us forget about the internationals who are right on our doorstep. that's the purpose of urban impact: to show Christ to imigrants by building relationships with them and ministering to them right in their own community. it's wonderful.
aside from ESL, a number of us are heavily involved with the youth in brooklyn. we just had our last day of after-school kids club yesterday. honestly, these kids are handfuls and terrors, all of them, but i love them to death. i was so afraid of kid's club because it's not just having fun or babysitting, it's 1) teaching them in the "school teacher" way and 2) giving them biblical principles to apply to their lives. it's not a christian ministry by any means, but we incorporate Christ because these kids so desperately need hope and love, true love, in their lives. i am so not good at strategically adding Christ in to secular things and even worse at being the disciplinarian, but Christ has grown me past those incompetencies as well. it's all about fear for me. everything i work past boils down to a trust issue. i let my fear that i lack the ability or talent and my fear of what other people think govern my life in all aspects (even when it comes to salsa dancing. haha!). however, slowly but surely, Christ is stripping that from me (and fear is one thing i certainly don't mind losing at all. hah!). but anyways...Christ has, even in these childrens' cases, given me a passion and love that overcomes absolutely anything. i was not kidding when i said these kids are truely handfuls and terrors, but that all melts away in Christ's eyes. i love that He is slowly paralleling my heart with His. i've prayed for about a year now for it, so it's exciting to see it overtaking my life.
besides ESL and kid stuff, we've done a handful of other smaller things. brett, a guy from my college; laura, a permanent missionary; and i have joined together with larry's son and wife to form a praise band. larry is wanting to go around and lead a whole service - praise and speaking - to spark a desire in local churches for the ministry that we do (definately an exciting thing). i feel like even back home churches could be doing a lot more for the world directly around them; that's why i'm totally excited for all those involved in kcbt midtown, by the way. amazing. also, like i mentioned before, we are looking for some personal ESL clients up in jackson heights. we're going to be starting a center up there like the one we have in brooklyn for the africans. oh yeah! i forgot one of the more pressing things we have begun. chris beggs has been asked by larry to kind of revive a youth group in this church called new hope. their youth ministry pretty much died a little while back and so we have begun a ministry for them on friday nights. chris is leading it and the first week went amazingly well, but the enemy is greatly opposing it. i would certainly love that everyone pray for everything, but this ministry needs special attention. we are having so much trouble getting out to the church on time because it's so deep in queens, and the kids are really just...not showing up. it's their culture to just kind of do whatever they want whenever, so if they are in the middle of a basketball game, they'll just finish it instead of going to church. then when they're done, they might show up. we have just - one thing after another - had a terrible time getting this ministry going, but it is SO vital to these kids' lives. please pray that God would make a way for this ministry to start and flourish. pray these kids' hearts would be longing for God's Word and a godly community.
anyways, hopefully everyone has kind of gotten a glimpse of my heart as well as of what we are all doing here exactly. i have focused more on me than on the group just because a couple of people have blogs up about it so you can always read some of theirs if you want a more rounded picture. as far as prayer for me speicifically, God has really laid on my heart two mentalities while i'm here. one is psalm 126 (which i have randomly, by God only, read three times since i've been here).

when the Lord turned again the captivity of zion, we were like them that dream. then was our mouth filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing: then said they among the heathen, the Lord hath done great things for them. the Lord hath done great things for us; whereof we are glad. turn again our captivity, o Lord, as the streams in the south. they that sow in tears shall reap in joy. he that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.

at first i took the passage in the "others-minded" terminology (which i usually do when it comes to something i personally should be learning. hah!). i really have a desire to see those we are working with turn from their captivity and find joy in Christ as a result of this ministry - many of the people we are working with are either muslim, hindu or seke. i know that certainly someday that will indeed happen. all of us are praying through tears and working through suffering for these people to know and understand Christ, and this ministry will reap in joy and "bring in the sheaves" so to speak, but probably not during my two months here. that's when i realized, i need to take this personal. so, take two: Lord, turn away my captivity. i do not want all this fear and selfishness to take hold of me. fill my mouth with laughter and my tongue with singing when it comes to this ministry. it's hard. i don't like it. but it's Your heart and so then, make it mine. let me show these people the great things You have done for me, Lord. turn again my captivity from all that is holding me back, because then - and only then - can You use me to sow and reap through the difficulty of ministry, through tear-filled prayers, for Your glory alone.
God has certainly already changed me more than you can imagine in the two weeks i've been here, and all of it i can take back with me and apply at home. it's so foreign to me this following God's leading thing and this applying what He's teaching thing...but i like it and i'll get used to it, eventually. i am so excited to see where he leads and what all He does in and through me as well as in and through the lives of all those i care so much about back home. i know my life isn't the only one that He is taking hold of and drastically changing. i know it may seem weird, this newfound interest i have in others' spiritual growth, but if anything is going on in your life spiritually that you just want to joy in with someone, don't hesitate to facebook me or call me or whatever. i so desperately would love to listen and even share if you'd like. i am so excited that Christ has begun to truely show me Himself and that He's doing the same for so many that i know. don't let me miss out on what God's doing in your life. :)
oh yes. my summer's motto. you should definately get this cd or all of hillsong's united cds. hah! they are definately life-changing, for me at least...

these hands are Yours
teach them to serve as You please
and i'll reach out desperate to see
all the greatness of God.
may my soul rest assured in You.
i'll never be the same;
no, i'll never be the same

cause i know that You're alive.
You came to fix my broken life,
and i'll sing to glorify
Your Holy Name,
Jesus Christ.

You changed it all,
You broke down the wall
when i spoke and confessed.
in You i'm blessed.
now i walk in the light
in victorious sight of You.

Your fire fall down,
fall down
on us, we pray.
as we seek,

show me Your heart.
show me Your way.
show me Your glory.

- alison

created the blog

2006-06-12T14:58:00.000-05:00

finally i have a place to write about nyc and all the wonderful things God has been doing here and in my life during my service here this summer.